“People are more important than their opinions” – Jorge Luis Borges
After about a year into my fabulous hiatus from saying “sorry,” that silly word snuck back into my everyday vernacular. With my wacky days running after little ones, old habits die hard and it just seemed easier to say it than not. However, I celebrate that my year-long sorry cleanse has had a gorgeous effect on my mind - the ghastly gavel is gone. What a relief. Now, sorry comes out of my mouth for one reason only – because I care about the person I am saying it to. This feels so good, so clean and so … well … right.
I realize for some of you what I am saying is a no-brainer. Though for most of us, worrying that we did it wrong or that we might do something wrong is a frequent and time-consuming process in our minds. If you can relate, this blog post is for you.
Now, here is an idea that I am crazy passionate about and I would love for you to consider: it is impossible to do something wrong. I know, crazy. But think about it for a minute.
If the above is true, it would mean that all this right and wrong stuff is truly just in our heads. It would mean that we are complex and interdependent individuals interfacing with an even more complex and interdependent planet. It would mean every moment is a new and wild set of variables that we have never experienced before. It would mean none of us really knows what we are doing and we are all doing our best. It would mean making yourself wrong is illogical.
This is the mind of compassion.
For most, the intent behind “sorry” is to convey that you care about someone and how you affect them. But wouldn’t it be just as effective and more uplifting to skip all the right and wrong nonsense and simply say, “I see that I hurt you,” or my favorite, “I see you.”
Yes, yes, yes – we do need a certain level of right and wrong thinking to organize and navigate life. Law and order is extremely useful and I am very appreciative of it. However, turn right and wrong thinking on our emotional world and you are in for an arduous path.
Getting right on wrong is a passion of mine for personal reasons and because I believe that the current state of our world is a reflection of our right/wrong psychology gone awry. More about this exciting topic in future posts …
How do you get right on wrong?
Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation 
)
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April 18, 2010
Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as my blog was complete I hit that infamous wall called “writers block.” Funny how that works. I’ve even had moments of “do I really have anything interesting to say? Is my blog going to be one of the many that sit idle with no comments/tweets and is only updated a few times a year?” Brutal. There were many great topics rolling around in my mind, yet none of them felt visceral and demanded to be written. Then I began searching online for a star photo and this article flowed through.
The star symbol has shined bright in my psyche lately. In Mayan astrology the “star” symbolizes the energy of harmony, beauty, giving/receiving love and the ability to shine bright in front of others. In my Mayan astrology chart the “star” is my achilles heel, my obstacle, which for me translates into having a ton of ambivalence about shining bright.
Where some stand in front of crowds with ease and grace, soaking up every last drop of love and attention, I freeze up. Yep, me. Give me a great cause or a hot Nia routine and I can hide out in my leadership ability, but anyone who is very sensitive to energy can clearly feel my discomfort in the moments when it is simply me.
So added to my 2010 desire list is to let myself be a STAR. From this day forward I am researching the move of going from low light to STARlight.
One of the reasons this has been so tricky for me is the barrage of judgments I had about people acting “better” or “superior” and that blatantly outshining others was lame – good people “should” be humble. Ugh I know, I was so confused and I clearly see a trail of difficult situations that were created due to my inability to claim my … stardom.
These crazy beliefs, that are currently falling victim to my self-love sledgehammer, are epidemic. Women are taught to keep their lights dim for fear that they might make someone feel bad, or worse, induce the poison arrows of envy and jealousy. Turns out this psychology benefits no one.
Rockstar, superstar, stardom, whatever you want to call it, I am a junkie for the truth and the truth is I am a STAR. I am a brilliant light of energy that synthesizes my unique path into gifts that shine beautifully on the world. Yep, me. And YOU are a STAR also. You are a brilliant light of energy that synthesizes your unique path into gifts that shine beautifully on the world. Ahhhhh, the truth feels so good.
We are ALL stars and that is the extra special bonus to this whole set-up on earth. The night sky is beautiful with a single star, gorgeous with a few hundred stars, but it is only when the sky is blazing with gazillions of stars that we are filled with pure awe, knowing deeply that we are part of something magical.
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March 27, 2010
Volver has a bold tagline: “Returning Pleasure and Balance to the World.” I know if I had read this tagline a few years back I would have scratched my head and thought “cute.” This article will begin explaining the ever dynamic and beautifully deep “pleasure” concept and how it is a woman’s true source of power.
Not so long ago I prided myself on being independent, rational, hard working, direct and practical. I loved these qualities and they seemed to work great for me … until I had my daughter.
After her birth, it felt like these traits turned on me. The more I used them the worse my life became. I truly felt like I was drying out, losing my life-force, losing my juice. Now I look back and laugh at how adorable I was – these beloved qualities were all male. I had a pretend penis.
So let’s flip them: independent to dependent, rational to emotional, hard working to pleasured, direct to magnetic, practical to magical. Dependent, emotional, pleasured, magnetic and magical. Did your mama teach you how to lead a life rooted in these attributes? Me neither.
In our culture you probably learned the male qualities and if you were very, very, (very) lucky, you learned both. And here’s the real bummer for women who mainly developed yang energy: when you have a feminine essence, leading with male qualities is inefficient, stressful and draining. (Phew, I feel tired just writing about it.)
So how can we women return to our ultra-efficient feminine essence? The answer lies in one simple question: “What can I do right now that would be pleasurable to me?” Asking ourselves this Q is a profound move that slices through our male psychology, instantly returning us to ourselves and our divine power.
It bypasses the pressure to do it right, to be liked, to accomplish, to compete, to know, to be secure, to have enough, to be independent and to be productive. It flips the ego on its head. Whatever the answer to this Q, it is always something that is energy infusing, satiating and in most cases, happiness inducing.
And here is the real fun: a pleasure-centered woman is irresistible. She gets what she wants and shares it with her loved ones times 100. She beams with confidence and takes refuge in creativity.
Nowadays, women are experiencing more success and power then ever. While this seems like great news, if this power and success is at the expense of pleasure and happiness, then in my opinion, it can’t be worth it.
Unhappy women don’t really believe in themselves, thus they don’t really get what they want. They make unhappy mothers, who make unhappy children, who attract unhappy situations. The whole thing is a mess. Maybe a mess you are familiar with.
Don’t listen to me though. Check it out. What are your top 10 pleasures? For 24 hours research how it feels to make them a sacred part of your day. See if you glow, wear a soft smile or are a joy to be around when you “return pleasure.”
Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )
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March 7, 2010
As most of you know or have read, I have a fairly strong background in Buddhism as evidenced by my M.A. in Contemplative Psychotherapy (Buddhist Psychology.) Two years ago however, I became inspired to pack up my altar and replace it with a fluffy, red-feather boa. I know, a feather boa doesn’t seem very sacred. In fact, it seems silly. That’s what I initially thought. But this accessory has so much spiritual meaning to me now that when I see it, a smile instantly crosses my face.
The boa is an adornment with a long history. It is meant to elicit fun, femininity, sensuality, flirtation, pleasure, and dance. It has both an elegant and vulgar reputation. I know of a movement of women who have come to see the boa as a mighty reminder of their powerful essence. They strategically hide them in their desks at work, lockers and cars. After they merge onto the super highway of our western culture and hit 80 mph with the pressure to achieve and produce, they fling open the desk drawer and surprise! There is that silly boa, reminding them to say “weeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And from this thrilling place, they are a true force to be reckoned with.
Here’s my story:
Four years ago the Buddha and I were doing great. I had a full contemplative psychotherapy practice and I had found a dharma teacher. I studied with him all year and took his month-long winter retreat when I was four months pregnant.
It ended up being an arduous month. I couldn’t connect to the practice, wasn’t inspired by the teachings, was irritated by the chanting and spent most of my time admiring the beautiful mauve shawl worn by the woman sitting in front of me. By week three, fantasies of dragging my suitcase to the road and hitching a ride to Denver seemed reasonable. I confided to my roommate that I wanted to leave, to which she replied, “You’re just running from yourself.” I stayed.
The final week felt like a year and when it was over I was the first one in the car. This retreat was the kick-off to a two-year journey into motherhood riddled with doubt and fear. My turmoil eventually led me to a mind-blowing lesson in self-celebration and the divine feminine at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I never used to believe in happiness, but these days I am very happy.
What is self-celebration? In a nutshell, self-celebration is the practice of recognizing, appreciating and delighting in how amazing we all are. It is an incredible discipline for anyone, but especially for oppressed populations as it is a tremendous reclamation of joy and goodness.
Although all of my new outlooks were bringing amazing things to my life, I couldn’t reconcile my new views with my old ones. Why did Buddhism seem to suddenly not apply? I got my answer while listening to David Deida’s “Enlightened Sex” CD. He pointed out that sitting meditation was a “male spiritual practice” where one “sat alone, observing thoughts.” This sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.
For most of my adult life, I was one of those women who pretended to identify with the masculine side of things. You know, I thought I was so rational, independent and practical. Being pregnant brought my masculine views to a startling halt. With my daughter growing in my belly and hormones raging through my blood, I realized I was creation and creation was all woman.
But the larger truth I was facing was that this creative life-force energy yearned for more and wanted BIG. From a warm chai and 600 thread count sheets to fair trade and the happiness of all children. My desires were huge and full of goodness. For the first time, I let myself go full-throttle on what I wanted and instead of turning into a hungry ghost, I found a well of possibility and beauty. It was after this epiphany that I decided to research a spiritual practice that was all divinely femme. This meant a discipline that was drenched in sisterhood, celebration, creativity and desires. The results were and continue to be magical.
With all this said, seven years of studying Buddhism are not in vain. I have had this article floating around my head for over a year. I believe I am eager to write it now as I am beginning to integrate my Buddhist education with my pleasure pursuits. After all, mindfulness of thoughts and body are fundamental in realizing our glorious truth. And unconditional loving-kindness, aka Maitri, well she is the cat’s meow. But what is really turning me on these days is that self-awareness, though key, is empty without self-celebration AND self-celebration goes much, much farther when rooted in self-awareness. It is the two together that create an indomitable force.
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February 25, 2010
