VOLVER with Dara McKinley: Returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy - Returning to our feminine essence.

Self-Love is Not a Pedi

Self-love is not a pedi. Bummer, right?

I do love my pedis. Very much, in fact. And don’t get me wrong, women who know the sacred power of receiving pleasure and cultivating beauty are the kind of sisters I like to hang with. BUT, the truth is that you can be a rock star at pleasure and beauty but still doubt, judge, fear, and …. hate yourself …. often.

What is self-love? I think it’s our relationship to our selves and when I use “selves” I mean the many diverse and often contradictory emotions and aspects of our being. On a very basic level, self-love means developing a loving relationship with a wild cast of characters, aka negative beliefs. It’s a daunting task at first, though once you realize all the isolation and confusion these unattended beliefs create, self-love seems like a much better option.

Awareness is the first step to getting anywhere on the self-love road. Notice when you are captured by a negative belief. Fear, criticism, frustration, impatience, judgement, doubt, aggression … whether aimed at yourself or others, these are all issues of self-love.

I am being put to the self-love test. I messed up my lower back three days ago and have been bedridden since. Naturally, I’ve had a few impatient and frustrated moments being in pain and stuck in bed. Louise Hay in her book You Can Heal Your Life, says lower back pain has to do with money and I can’t deny I put a lot of pressure on myself to make money. Although my man is a great provider, I was raised in a blue collar family and these messages ring loud: “WORK HARD.” “EARN YOUR WAY.” “BE INDEPENDENT.” “SURVIVE.” Despite my comfortable situation, I have this belief that I must bust my ass and earn my own money, or I might not make it.

It helps to give a neg belief a fun name, so I named this one the “Blue Collar Bully” (BCB).  Her voice looms large in my being. Especially now, when I am completely out of the game and can’t even make dinner to “earn” my keep.

After three frustrating days in bed unable to move, I decided to pour rightfulness all over my lower back pain by writing a list of all the many blessings of my situation … and there were many (having time to write this post is one of them). Then the BCB and I had a long overdue conversation.

As it turns out, she’s quite vulnerable and afraid. She’s mainly afraid I’ll be a “loser” (her words). When I asked her to define “loser” she said it was someone who is unable to create what they deeply desire. We then examined the lives of some people we knew who died without conjuring their deepest desires. Sure enough, their lives seemed void of awareness and self-love. We also talked about how much we loved these people and how hard it was to witness their unhappiness. I assured her I was on a different path to becoming me and that she could chill. We hugged and I thanked her for looking out for me. No lie, she was so appreciative that we finally talked.

I am not saying this is “the” path to self-love. It’s one that feels relevant and practical to me. I have no doubt there are many paths. Whatever your intervention, feeling peaceful, open, and/or loving are great barometers. And hey, if a pedi is what calms your demons down, I bow to you.

I also don’t think I will wake-up tomorrow cured, but I don’t think I will wake up frustrated and harassed by my psyche either … or at least this aspect of it. And if I am, we will sit down and talk it over, again.

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The Why, How and What of VOLVER

Why VOLVER?

Why would you read my blog, participate in a workshop and spend your valuable time contemplating the feminine mystery? I can only imagine you are hungry for a relevant, affirming and mighty experience of your feminine essence.

VOLVER’s offerings are crafted to encourage emotional integrity, supportive relationships and the ability to wildly meet the wildness of life. Though the personal benefit is tremendous, at the core of VOLVER’s feast is the desire to return a feminine legacy that is rich with the above.

Returning an affirming feminine legacy is VOLVER’s greatest reason for being.

You may have already noticed that the majority of women in the world are without an affirming legacy. This means that our mothers were unable to offer the information that empowers our womanhood. In many cultures like ours, this void has existed for thousands of years and in my adorable opinion, has and continues to cause loads of unnecessary suffering for women and men.

When I close my eyes and imagine this legacy restored, I see a beautiful web that connects all women. It  is delicate, requires care and reverence, and is also indestructible. This web has taken some major blows in the last five millennia and despite all the aggression, it still exists today.

You’ve read it here:
WHY: I believe that an affirming feminine legacy is nature’s greatest creative and healing force.
HOW: I stand for and express this belief by inviting readers/participants to contemplate, research and align with the gifts of their feminine essence.
WHAT: This soulful site and my workshops that return women to themselves and best of all … to each other.

Phew. Now that I got that all out, if you would like to participate in the WHAT, so you can experience the HOW and return the WHY, my next “Belonging & The Body” course is Saturday December 10th from 2-6pm and is the last “Belonging and The Body” course until March/April. REGISTRATION ENDS THIS SUNDAY: DECEMBER 4th. To score your spot and to infuse this holiday season AND Seattle winter with your feminine power->Click.

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Desperation & Goddesshood: The Girl Effect

I don’t think one can be a feminine essence junkie and not think of feminism … a lot.

It is brutal. Not the feminist movement, but the reasons it exists. I caught wind of this documentary the other day. I doubt I will ever watch it as I was barely breathing through the trailer. This is the world we live in, where baby girls are killed, and young girls are married off and/or sold into sex slavery. All of these human atrocities are the practical solutions of desperate people.

You can see it throughout history and you can see it within ourselves. When our survival seems/is threatened and we feel desperation, the ego blames/attacks/objectifies/commodifies the feminine. How many times has your ego tried to run for its life from an emotion you didn’t want to feel or from a desire that you didn’t want to acknowledge?

Both psychologically and socially, the big problem with these seemingly practical solutions is that they create more suffering and desperation. These aggressive strategies are killing and selling off the real solution.

And that brings us to the wonderful work of The Girl Effect. An organization whose mission is to get people to invest in a different solution. And it is hot. It’s a solution where young girls are educated instead of sold and given the opportunity to experience Goddesshood by CREATING livelihood for their families.

This week is The Girl Effect Blogging Campaign where bloggers unite to spread the word about this movement. PLEASE JOIN US. A heartfelt thanks to Tara Mohr for creating this world-changing initiative.

Finally, here is an inspiring example of the solution:

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The Sexual Limits of a Sex Positive World

One of my very adorable opinions that I share with amazing feminine leaders is that a sex positive world is at the heart of feminism.

What exactly is a sex positive world, you might ask? Wikipedia, the top listing when “sex positive” is Googled, has this sentence as the opener: “The sex positive movement is an ideology which promotes and embraces open sexuality with few limits.”

Huh?

As you read on, the article does a better job at accurately describing “sex positive,” though I definitely wondered if someone at Fox News wrote the first sentence. “An ideology that promotes open sexuality with few limits.” ??? That is so … ridiculous (and polarizing, but I’ll just focus on the ridiculous).

Like the words suggest, a sex positive world is one that has a positive view of sex. A world that has a positive view of sex supports individuals in the grand and mandatory research project of discovering what is sexually fulfilling. It’s grand because there are a zillion possible expressions. It’s mandatory because every human has sex organs that they need to figure out.

For some, “sexual fulfillment” will mean “open sexuality with few limits.” However, for most folks, it will mean living in a world where everyone …

• can receive a straight-up education about the thrills and pitfalls of physical pleasure.
• deeply understands it is their birth right to experience true physical pleasure.
• is lovingly encouraged to connect with physical pleasure in a way that is steeped in response ability to self and others.
• respects all the many expressions that will arise (as long as they don’t harm anyone or anything.)
  
  Limits are an absolute necessity of sexual pleasure and are self-defined. One will never arrive at authentic sexual pleasure without them.

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Affirming Sisterhood and When Your Brilliant Advice Sucks

This article was originally published at Roots of She.

I love the name of this site: “Roots of She”. I feel a deep resonance whenever I land on the home page and read the header. For me, the “Roots of She” are sisterhood. Well, not just sisterhood … affirming sisterhood.

Imagine what it would be like if all the females in your life…

• only affirmed you
• told you you’re beautiful
• reflected that your feelings are perfect
• reminded you that you will find your way
• applauded all your decisions
• saw how wildly creative you are
• celebrated your tremendous connection to the eternal
• thought all of your desires are beautiful
• commended all of your research skills
• said that you make their life better
• felt that you are an inspiration
• believed in you with every cell of their body

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that this amount of love is possible when a pack of women come together to celebrate, honor and anchor into their emotionality. Radically loving sisterhood, like few modern women experience, is unabashedly liberated.

One of the big reasons that this type of sisterhood evades most of us is that we live in a culture that is quite clueless about emotions and ironically, all the helpful advice we love to bestow can often divide rather than unite us.

Have you ever been in a profound river of emotion, tears pouring down your face, surrendering to and disclosing all of your  “irrational” fears, judgments and feelings, and someone starts giving you advice?
I think I speak for many when I say I CANNOT STAND WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

I’ve encountered this situation with every possible person: relatives, friends, ex-boyfriends, my spouse, and even with therapists and healers. And I am no innocent either. Though in general I consider myself sensitive to the vulnerability of others, my “amazing” advice and feedback have often rudely cut in front of my intuition to simply empathize.

Though we are all so full of great ideas and suggestions, poorly timed solving and fixing usually makes things worse. Trying to make someone feel better can often times impede a sacred emotional process that when traversed, unveils a boatload of intuition, truth, peace and desire.

After 40 years of experiencing my emotional body, I finally have the wisdom to say (often to my husband) “please hold off on the advice, I just need to be heard.” I pretty much need to remind him every time I am having an emotional bout that his desire to fix the situation will be satisfied if he just listens.

In therapeutic settings, empathic listening is called “witnessing” or “holding the space,” though in my desire to bridge this therapeutic skill with the mainstream, I like to refer to it as “seeing” someone. We ALL, so simply and profoundly, need to be seen.

Next time a loved one is surfing an emotional swell, just listen and maybe say, “Ugh, that sounds so hard.” OR if you are busting at the seams to offer advice, simply ask, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want to know what I think?” I LOVE when someone asks me this question. I feel so respected … and seen.

Every time we regard a sister’s emotional waves as sacred and take faith that her tears are the only brilliant thing that needs to be expressed, the “Roots of She” smile and grow strong.

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Response Ability Lessons From a Four Year Old Goddess

This post is in service of radical self-love and cultivating a fierce and fabulous feminine essence within ourselves and between all beings.

Due to firsthand experience, I am a bit obsessed with how many women make themselves wrong every chance they get. I have written about it here and here, and the saga continues.

I have identified the following types and although there are many variables to every situation/person, I believe we all lean toward one of these four spots:

1. The person who condemns their self and never says “sorry”
2. The person who condemns their self and always says “sorry”
3. The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and never says “sorry”
4. The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and always says “sorry”

I was in spot number 2 when I first attended the School Of Womanly Arts in 2008. At the school, I got to sip from the exquisite cocktail of my fundamental rightness and there was no going back. The word “sorry” was replaced with “I am so adorable.” It was as refreshing as eating a York Peppermint Patty and I moved myself to position number 3.

In 2009, I heard a seemingly different message from Allison Armstrong: Nothing (NOTHING) soothes a woman like the words “I am sorry I hurt your feelings.” She teaches this to men in her Understanding Women CD (recommended). She essentially encourages all men to get really comfy with this sentence as a woman’s emotional world will not be solved, fixed or rationalized. When an argument erupts, if the dude wants to move forward with a happy evening, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” are the only words that will do the trick.

Not that I want to indulge any blame gamers, but I couldn’t deny that I have had MANY moments where those words would have quelled a ton of pain. So I decided to research it.

Before I even had a chance to begin my studies, my four year old daughter suddenly began demanding that I apologize to her for things that only a preschooler could care about, like handing her the white flower plate instead of the red flower plate. I had been in spot number 3 for a good year, so I was a bit miffed by her intensity. “Where was she learning this crap?” I wondered. “At school? Aha!” I could just imagine them teaching her to say “I’m sorry.” UGH. My fear was that she, like millions of women, would turn the gavel on herself. I had to nip this in the bud.

The next time she got upset and demanded an apology, I stood my ground. I lovingly explained that I didn’t know that she wanted the red flower plate instead of the white one and it wasn’t fair for her to demand an apology. She said, “Oh, OK, Mommy. You’re so right and wise, and thank you for explaining this to my little four year old brain. I completely understand.”

NOT.

She completely FREAKED out even harder. The more I tried to be reasonable, the harder she freaked, until she was a hysterical sobbing mess on the floor screaming, “JUST SAY SORRY, MOMMY!!!”

“Alright, alright, I’M SORRY.” She immediately exhaled in utter relief, stood up, wiped her tears and went on with her task. All was returned to good.

I could no longer deny what I intuitively knew to be true. This sentence was MAGIC to the feminine essence and not because it meant I did anything wrong. It meant I loved, respected and acknowledged that I affected, her.

It reminded me of something a male friend once told me about men. When a man walks into a room full of men, it is a gesture of respect to look everyone in the eye and nod. Then everything is cool and trust has a chance. I think “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” serves the same purpose for women. We feel respected, everything is cool and trust is maintained.

There is a HUGE difference between condemnation and responsibility, or better stated, our ability to respond. When someone says I am sorry from a place of self-condemnation, they have made it about them and there is no room for real love to flow. It’s messy.

And as hard as this is to see when we feel upset, when we condemn others we impede the gift of an apology. That ultra sweet spot of fundamental rightness is the only true breeding ground for real compassion and real apologies.

With all of this said, I now plant my sexy ass in spot number 4. Would love to see you here.

xo

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The Worst Thing You Could Say to a Sister … and the Best

First, let me start by saying upfront that I am no innocent. I am both the victim and the perpetrator of the things that I am addressing in this post. Naturally, it’s my first hand experience that inspires me to write about it.

So here it goes: One of the worst things you could say to a sister is, “I told you so.”

Besides reinforcing our own ego, this comment has no value. You are likely saying it to a sister who is down and while yes, you saw it coming, “I told you so” is harsh to the energy body of a woman. If that sentence flies out of your mouth like it used to fly out of mine, please do the entire world a favor and press delete.

Now that we have flushed out the worst, on to the best:  One of the best things you could say to a sister is, “Trust your intuition.” Whew! Did someone just open a window? I feel the most beautiful breeze. I love that sentence - it’s a world changer.

Currently there is a HUGE rift between women and their intuition. This rift is causing all sorts of internal and external chaos. 

Intuition is an inner knowing that guides your decisions. It is interdependent with truth, desire, self-love, and emotions, but is none of these things. Although it is often confused with intense emotions, it is actually the sweetest, subtlest and CALMEST of experiences.

We all know it well in hindsight when we are experiencing the repercussions of not listening to it. How many times have you thought, “I totally saw this coming”? I have found myself in some major doozies because I blew past my intuition.

All big decisions come with big emotions and this is where sisterhood is key. To help us sift through our emotional charge so we can access our intuition, we need to look at the different scenarios and dump our fears and tears with our sisters. At the end of this process there is only one thing to say, “Trust your intuition.”

When you tell a sister to trust her intuition you are reconnecting her to a well of inner-knowing though more importantly you are cultivating self-love. If you don’t love yourself, you won’t trust yourself. And the reverse is true, if you feel like you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time loving yourself. To listen and trust your intuition is a beautiful act of self-love. When you decide from this place, you can’t lose.

I got the best wink from the universe when I was crafting this post. This email arrived in my inbox. You’re right Danielle, I do.

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The Divine Law of Distraction

How many times have you said this to yourself?

“I just need to focus.”

“What’s the matter with me that I can’t focus?”

“Focus, focus, FOCUS.”

“OK, now what was I focusing on?”

You’ve probably said or thought these things A LOT, right? Well, what if women were hardwired to be distracted?

I just listened to Allison Armstrong’s “Understanding Women“, a fun and interesting CD, where you can listen to her teach the guys about us. One of her foundational points is that men are single focused creatures (thus they step over the laundry pile on their way up the stairs, can track a ball flying through the air and catch it, and LIVE to solve problems) and women have “diffuse awareness,” meaning our awareness is “poured into everything.” She punctuates:

Guys, I’m not saying that you focus on one thing and we focus on three or four. I’m telling you that WE. DON’T. FOCUS.

When I first heard this I chuckled out loud. Funny, I thought, we don’t focus. But then it quickly hit me: Whoa, we really don’t focus. She then goes on to explain that we CAN focus, but it’s not home base.

Sisters, home base for us is a profoundly radiant place with a sophisticated capacity to sense and enrich our immediate worlds. Think of the sweet little egg that waits for the sperm, 360 degrees of energy undulating OUT. That’s why if something in our environment is off, we are quick to feel it. This sixth sense ensures loving spaces, content children and strong relationships.

What would life be like if we allow for this beautiful design? I know we are all involved in accomplishing so much that requires major focus (and since women are pretty much taking over the workforce, we’ve more than demonstrated that we can do it very well,) but if our natural urge is to flutter from one thing to the next, compelling ourselves to focus requires a loving hand.

Alison asserts that it feels totally divine for women to have a few hours of timeless puttering each week (though I think “fluttering” sounds way more fun,) where we can just float through our homes or wherever, pleasantly buzzing from one “distraction” to the next with no eye on the clock. Sounds like a delicious slice of pleasure to me.

So next time you start to run the script that something is wrong with you because you “just can’t focus,” reMEMBER that you are a woman and you have a different way. Celebrate your urge to flutter about and be assured that by doing so, your creativity will blaze.

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I Love Men

I just ended years of frustration with the opposite sex. I have put down my sword, studied the male mind, came home and told my man to plan his next surfing vacation. I feel so peaceful, free, complete.

Yesterday, I completed Allison Armstrong’s Celebrating Men course. Since awakening to the expansive power of my feminine essence, I have been searching for a course with this very name.

I am going to be very transparent. My minds ability to see the brilliance of women is uncanny; however with men I was finding myself too often frustrated, baffled … and pissed. Fortunately, I knew deep down that my frustration had to be my problem. If the feminine essence was drenched in divinity so was the male. I just wasn’t seeing it and I needed a course correct on men … bad. I got exactly that and then some.

I heard about “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” from one of my Nia students, the exquisite Cherie Martin-Irwin. Cherie told me how both she and her girlfriend met their future husbands three months after taking the course. These kind of results get my attention.  I looked it up as soon as I got home.

Sisters, if you are struggling with men or lack of men and suspect that you may have been poorly educated, this course delivers the goods. My being is now overflowing with all of the beautiful things I learned about men.  Allison Armstrong is the real deal. Her vision for the world is stunning and she is making it happen. She is elegant, professional and hilariously funny. By the end, women were weeping and in complete awe of men.

Since I am town crier for anything that will effectively end unnecessary suffering, I am a LOUD and PROUD affiliate for this program which means if you use this link (or simply tell them your heard about it from me) I get a share for sharing. Please know I am very appreciative.

I know so many of you on this list are national, so go check out the site and find the next course nearest you. For those of you in Seattle, they are having a free intro-course this Wednesday night 5/19, at 6:30pm.

Here’s to men and all of their golden generosity.

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Getting Right on Wrong

“People are more important than their opinions” – Jorge Luis Borges

After about a year into my fabulous hiatus from saying “sorry,” that silly word snuck back into my everyday vernacular. With my wacky days running after little ones, old habits die hard and it just seemed easier to say it than not.  However, I celebrate that my year-long sorry cleanse has had a gorgeous effect on my mind - the ghastly gavel is gone. What a relief.  Now, sorry comes out of my mouth for one reason only – because I care about the person I am saying it to.  This feels so good, so clean and so … well … right.

I realize for some of you what I am saying is a no-brainer.  Though for most of us, worrying that we did it wrong or that we might do something wrong is a frequent and time-consuming process in our minds.  If you can relate, this blog post is for you.

Now, here is an idea that I am crazy passionate about and I would love for you to consider: it is impossible to do something wrong.  I know, crazy.  But think about it for a minute.

If the above is true, it would mean that all this right and wrong stuff is truly just in our heads.  It would mean that we are complex and interdependent individuals interfacing with an even more complex and interdependent planet.  It would mean every moment is a new and wild set of variables that we have never experienced before.  It would mean none of us really knows what we are doing and we are all doing our best.  It would mean making yourself wrong is illogical.

This is the mind of compassion.

For most, the intent behind “sorry” is to convey that you care about someone and how you affect them.  But wouldn’t it be just as effective and more uplifting to skip all the right and wrong nonsense and simply say, “I see that I hurt you,” or my favorite, “I see you.”

Yes, yes, yes – we do need a certain level of right and wrong thinking to organize and navigate life.  Law and order is extremely useful and I am very appreciative of it.  However, turn right and wrong thinking on our emotional world and you are in for an arduous path.

Getting right on wrong is a passion of mine for personal reasons and because I believe that the current state of our world is a reflection of our right/wrong psychology gone awry. More about this exciting topic in future posts …

How do you get right on wrong?

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

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