VOLVER with Dara McKinley: Returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy - Returning to our feminine essence.

A Letter to my Daughter: Motherhood & Sisterhood

Dearest Little Goddess,

Being that your mama is all about “returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy” I certainly think about empowering your womanhood … a lot.

Since you are only five “and a half” and thus, have much more pressing matters on your mind, I’ve decided to write to you about some of my big “aha” moments and maybe one day down the road, you will read them (and maybe even dig them.)

There is so much to write, but today I want to simply tell you about motherhood and sisterhood.  I was recently interviewed by an amazing woman for her “Maybe Baby” e-course and I adorably start off my interview by saying that motherhood “annihilated” me. Though the people who speak embellishmentese understand what I mean, some amazing folks emailed me desiring elaboration.

First, let me distinguish between you and motherhood.

You were hands down one of the most amazing things to ever arrive into my life. I was blown open with a fierce love when I held you for the first time. Till this day, I watch you in complete wonder. And you were born on the eve of the “pink moon” which in hindsight was the most auspicious wink from the universe of all the wisdom you would bring.

Essentially there was something about being the mother of a young child that felt so off for me. I felt a constant craving I couldn’t put my finger on. For the first year and a half, it was a riddle that teased me at every turn and I wrestled with it, and demanded it reveal itself. It eventually did.

What I finally came to realize was that I was missing a strong female community. Not too long ago and for thousands of years, women raised children together. It’s only in the last century that most modern women shifted into raising their kids with their partners. My DNA was craving the old paradigm.

My situation was an extreme case of how not to do it because I had recently moved to Seattle where I didn’t have deep roots. Couple this with my “I can do it myself”-ness (AKA an inability to receive) and I created a breeding ground of isolation.

Not developing/maintaining strong and supportive female relationships was my biggest “mistake.” When the torrential rains of motherhood hit: sleep deprivation, hormones and the pressure that every modern woman juggles, affirming sisterhood gets you through. It makes the first wildly demanding years of motherhood doable.

SO, what I mean by “annihilated” is that motherhood destroyed my illusion that I was an independent being who could do it all by myself. Realizing this truth has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Today, I could write pages about all that separates women from each other, but I’ll save that for another time. Know that I am on it. Also know that as soon as I realized what I was missing, I did an immediate course correct and have been soaking up sisterly love ever since.

There it is, love. For these reasons, if you should one day choose to become a parent, one of my biggest desires for you is that you feel fueled by the support of a loving female community. Yes, this is true for every aspect of life - when you have a pack of loving women behind you, you can do anything.

Love,
Mom

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Returning with Alison Anton

Seven years ago I participated in a meditation program and met Alison Anton, a Goddess of healing and integrity.

I’ll never forget the moment I saw stars. During the program’s Q&A Alison stood up and asked the guru about heeding the inner call to greatness. No offense Buddhism, but when the focus is on losing the self and realizing emptiness, Q’s like this one are few and far between. Afterward, I introduced myself to Alison and thanked her for the bold Q. Our friendship instantly took flight.

Alison is a medical intuitive. What’s that? Read on as she brilliantly answers the important stuff below. At the end there is a special offer for VOLVER readers (which I am definitely going to pounce on.) I love the work she is doing and I love even more that she is doing it. Without further ado, it is my great pleasure to bring you Returning with Alison Anton:

What exactly is Medical Intuition?
Medical intuition is using clairvoyance (or other intuitive faculties) to “look” into a person’s energetic and physical anatomy. For some practitioners the purpose is to identify or diagnose medical conditions. I don’t use it for diagnosis, but to help people tap into the underlayment of energy, karma and emotion in relation to their ailments or specific health conditions.

How did you come to find that you had this gift? How did you develop it?
Actually, I don’t see clairvoyance as a gift—it comes with the human body. I think most people use it, but don’t realize they are. I was trained to use my clairvoyance in my mid-twenties, and have been honing that skill ever since. My interest in health and medicine sprang from years of struggling with three auto-immune conditions; I then found myself studying nutrition, food, functional medicine and bodywork to help myself, and to help others who were sick. At one point I realized how valuable it would be if I put functional medicine and intuitive medicine together.

What would you say to someone who is very curious about a session but a little skeptical or afraid?
Fear is pretty normal for people who have never had a reading. Some people are a little scared of what I might say; others might think I’m going to judge them. Truth is, if a reading doesn’t VALIDATE a person in a major way, something’s wrong… (NOT with the person getting the reading, but with the person giving it). In everyone’s life, there are karmic challenges that show up physically as tension, stress and possibly disease. Yet underlying these karmic “hot spots” lay strengths, abilities and spiritual characteristics so remarkable it’s often hard to express in words. How I see it: constricted, charged, tense, sick or fearful areas almost always have the most ability behind them. So unless someone’s afraid of their own abilities or healing themselves (which happens a lot, BTW) there’s not much to be afraid of!

What was the dumbest thing that you used to believe?
I used to believe that I could heal my body by force. I believed that if I ate all the “right” foods, exercised enough, and stopped my “emotional eating” that my body would be well. I basically believed that the body was separate enough from the mind that I could use it like a slave and force it to “behave”. What I didn’t fully realize was that if we don’t work from the mind-level to re-program old patterns, it’s like screaming at a tape recorder and telling it to record. Ironically, I’ve found, that once we’ve healed this level of the mind, the body-related expectations and goals that we thought were so important are (magically) not so important anymore.

How have you learned to handle mistakes and losses?
Of all the things in my life that have helped me develop spiritually, mistakes are IT (and believe me, I’ve made a lot of them). I actually seem to have a certain karma for making mistakes. It’s not about the mistakes, per se, but my REACTIONS to them. It seems I’m learning to become acutely aware of the unconscious programs that well up with my mistakes (i.e. “You’re stupid”, “You don’t belong”, “You’re not perfect”). If I don’t react to them, it’s totally transformative—like being humble and confident at the same time. Likewise, if I DO react to them, I get to look at why I still believe these lies that are in my space. It’s a win-win either way.

I am going to play that word game with you and give you one word and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind: healing.
Healing is a frame of mind, and a way of learning how to perceive the world from spiritual eyes. Healing is learning to see all beings (including ourselves) not just as these bodies, but as remarkable beings capable of… ANYTHING. In my opinion, to be healed has little to do with the body. The body is neutral, and will follow the direction of the mind. So healing always starts at the mind level. How do we want to use these emotions? What purpose do we want for this illness? If we can be flexible and forgiving enough to be in present time with our situation (health, relationships, trials and tribulations) we can truly say we’re healing.

Sigh, now you can see why I have a crush.

If you are struggling with an issue that has mainstream medical practitioners scratching their heads, this could be just the perspective you need. Alison is offering a generous discount to VOLVER readers: 50% Off Medical Intuition Readings (!). Readings must be purchased by December 31,2011 and redeemed by January 31, 2012. Use this special link to score her goodness: http://bit.ly/juROaG

To find out more about Alison’s amazing work, please visit: AntonHealing.com

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An Arsenal of Feminine Power … Feeling Beautiful

Though there are many indomitable forces of woman nature, one of my absolute favorites is beauty. And ugh, before I write more, I need to stop and give beauty a great, big hug. Poor girl. She catches so much crap.

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Returning with Kelly Notaras

If you are new to this site, I am a huge fan of Orgasmic Meditation (OM).

A few months ago, I passed through Boulder, CO and had the fortune of being invited to observe an OMing demo (yes, I observed a live demonstration of the OMing technique … it was amazing.)  The demo was hosted by the beautiful and wise Kelly Notaras. I am ever grateful that my first introduction to the world of OM was with someone so masterful as Kelly.

In 2010, Kelly left her Associate Publisher position with spirituality publisher Sounds True and moved to San Francisco to study slow sex, man-woman dynamics, and communication under Nicole Daedone—the founder of OneTaste and the creator of OM. During her time at OneTaste, Kelly edited Nicole’s book Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, co-led several couples retreats with Nicole, and served as faculty for the 2011 OneTaste Certified Coach Training Program, all while living at 1080 Folsom, a vibrant community of over 50 OM practitioners. Now back in Colorado, she is sharing what she’s learned about this transformative practice through workshops and consulting with men, women and couples.

I am in LOVE with this interview. It is rich with practical gems that illustrate the radical truth of OM. Read carefully, sisters. Kelly has something very important to share.  

It is my great pleasure to bring you this Returning Interview with Kelly Notaras:

Please tell us how you found OMing and your involvement with the book?

It started when I accidentally walked into the OneTaste building in San Francisco. I was in California on my way to a meditation retreat and was staying with a friend nearby. I had no idea what OneTaste was, and certainly didn’t know that it had anything to do with sexuality or orgasm. I just liked the building. I remember thinking, “These are my people,” but I had no idea why! A few weeks later I read an article in the New York Times called “The Pleasure Principle.” It featured a center in the SOMA district of San Francisco called OneTaste that was “devoted to the art of the female orgasm.” I about plotzed. I sent the link to all my friends and was like, “Can you believe I walked into this place??” But still, I didn’t have a clue it had anything to do with me. (At the time I didn’t think I was a very sexual person. I was a Buddhist, thank you very much.)

A few weeks later I got a call from a friend of mine who works for a New York literary agency. She said they had a new author who needed some help on her book proposal, and she thought I should do it. I was the VP of Sounds True at the time and the last thing I needed was more work, but when she said it was about Orgasmic Meditation I was like, “You have GOT to be kidding me. I’ll do it.”

So I helped OneTaste’s founder Nicole Daedone with her book proposal and eventually the book itself. (It’s called Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm and it just published in May.) Once I met Nicole in person I realized this wasn’t just a writing gig. I saw something in her that I wanted, and I knew she was going to be very important in my life. A few months after that I went to San Francisco to try OMing, and I got hooked. I decided to move there for a month—and stayed for a year and a half.

How has your life benefited from your OMing practice?

This is such a difficult question to answer without hyperbole. I’ll just say that I woke up one morning about 6 months after I started OMing and realized that I would not change a single thing about my life. This was huge for me, because I had been chronically dissatisfied for the first 33 years on the planet. Something about making a commitment to OM shifted things that my meditation practice never touched. I started to know what my body wanted, and then started following that desire. Where it led was—and continues to be—a rich, connected, effortlessly joyful place.

But in terms of more concrete benefits, I can say I have more energy and vitality, don’t need as much sleep, can feel other people more deeply, have increased intuition, have way less scarcity around relationships, can communicate better, and feel much safer being honest in all areas of my life.

And of course, sex is more sensational. I’m physically much more sensitive now. I’ve also come to appreciate the difference between climax—a momentary release of sexual energy—and orgasm. Orgasm, as I am using it here, is the experience of sensation in the body. It has peaks and valleys and subtle nuances I’d never noticed before. It’s here all the time, to greater or lesser degrees, and it gets drawn out through connection with other people.

How has your experience with OMing influenced how you view spirituality?

Wow, how much time do you have? I would say that when I first encountered Nicole, she pointed out that my spiritual path was all about transcending suffering. I talked about “oneness” but what I really meant was “escape from the stuff that hurts.” I meditated to escape the painful parts of human experience, to work my way into a state of expansive, blissful peace where I became translucent and untouchable. At first I was like, totally! That’s exactly what I want! But then Nicole pointed out that my version of so-called “oneness” honored only half the picture. Life contains both the bitter and the sweet. In her terminology, life is a cycle that includes both “up” and “down,” but I had a raging predisposition for “up.”

That’s one of the deeper spiritual teachings embedded in OM. When you OM, you’re learning how to feel, approve of, and receive whatever “stroke” comes your way. The ones you “like” and the ones you don’t. If you can learn to take pleasure from every stroke life has to offer, you can wake up right in the middle of the relative world. You don’t have to fear anything anymore, because you can trust yourself to be in relationship with whatever circumstances come up. Life becomes a complex, satisfying game where your ability to play is unconditional.

I realized I’d been doing a massive spiritual bypass by pushing away certain experiences I deemed inappropriate, unsavory, painful, or otherwise mundane. I began to reincorporate what you might call the “darker” side of human experience into my everyday life, and watched my overall satisfaction increase almost immediately. OM came in handy in that way. In Western culture, our sexuality is our dark side. Or I should say, our dark side is brimming with sex. Even if we fully own that we enjoy sex (which I never did, by the way) we still keep it hidden away. We do it in the dark and don’t talk about it in polite company. I took a different path with OM. I began openly practicing it at first, then I stepped out and started talking about it publicly. That was a big move—the first time I posted about OM on Facebook! It was a banner day. I still remember where I was sitting. But that, for me, was a spiritual act—because owning your sex is an act of unconditional freedom.

What is the dumbest thing you used to believe?

This one is complex but I’ll try to explain. It was my belief that men didn’t really like me and I had to work to get their attention. Not long after I started OMing I had an experience in a workshop where we had to choose a partner for an exercise. I looked up and realized every man in the room was trying to get my attention—they all wanted me to pick them! In that moment, it’s like a whole belief system fell crashing to the ground. I realized I’d been unaware of the extent of men’s interest in me—probably my whole life. I can only assume it was some sort of coping mechanism I developed in childhood to help manage sexual shame. But whatever the reason, I’d been unwilling to see the amount of interest that was coming my way because it was overwhelming on some level.

In order to maintain my belief that men didn’t like me, I had to create a corollary belief that if a man was interested in me, he was suspect and/or creepy. As a result I mostly dated people who felt safe—either whose power didn’t match my own (so they could never really hurt me) or who literally weren’t interested in me at all. But of course I didn’t see any of this at the time.

If you had the ear of all the women in the world for one minute, what would you want them to know?

That they can live their lives from a state of fullness rather than depletion, and the place to start is by cultivating orgasm in their bodies. I’m not talking about climax, I’m talking about investigating the terrain of their own sexual sensation, whatever that looks like. Sensation is the thing we crave. It’s what we’re looking for when we buy that new pair of shoes or that ice cream sundae or that glass of Prosecco. The place it can be found most readily is in right here in our very own bodies.

Also, I would tell them that men (and other women) exist who are willing to come together and have a goalless orgasmic experience. One that is not about “getting off” and comes with no strings—emotional or sexual—attached. I want every woman to know that and to have access to it, because our lives change when we learn how to receive quality attention from others. To be willing to let someone set aside the time and energy to make us feel good—that one act can change everything.

Can you pull a Tarot card for this interview? What does that card mean to you?

Love it! I pulled the Queen of Pentacles. This is actually my personal “signifier” card, meaning the card that represents me in the deck. This is both because of my astrological sign (Capricorn, an earth sign) and also my physical appearance (dark hair and eyes). The Queen of Pentacles is the essence of earth energy—the queen of the physical and material world. She represents the experience of being a spiritual being in human form. She knows the joy of embodiment. She revels in both the dark and the light aspects of our human experience, because she’s surrounded by nature and the natural world holds both without shame or preference. Of all the Queens in the deck, she’d definitely be the one most likely to OM! In the context of this interview, it says to me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

For those of you in Boulder and/or with Boulder peeps, Kelly’s next Intro to OM Workshop is Saturday, November 12th from 9:30-5:30. Click here for details.

Website: www.KellyNotaras.com
Twitter: @kellynotaras

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Restoring a Legacy of Desire

I received an awesome Q via email the other day from Andraya Dickens, a goddess who is well beyond her years. The subject line was “What about the young ladies out there?” Essentially she observes that the pursuit of self-love and feminine reclamation is primarily happening for women over 30. In her email, she wonders about all the teenagers and young women who are suffering at the hands of degrading media messages and asks, “How do you convince girls that they are worth so much more than they suppose when they are completely reluctant to love themselves?”

Huge Q. Thank you, Andraya.

Young or old, without the desire for it, it is fairly difficult to convince anyone to love themselves (or to do anything for that matter.) And yes, for most women, 20-40 years have passed before they have even begun to contemplate the importance of self-love. From my viewpoint, creating the desire for self-love is the essential first step.

And this points to a bigger issue:

Like myself five years ago (and it was ugly), most women are oblivious to the power of desire. Compared to the abundance of feminine wisdom not being shared by women, mainstream media is an annoying mosquito. At the heart of that wisdom is desire.

Most people hear the word desire and think of sex. Though the physical aspects of sensuality are definitely part of the equation, desire’s bigger function is to define one’s deepest truth and potential human expression. It is a courageous and joy-igniting act of surrender.

All of us midlife desire junkies have discovered that when we are aware of our deepest desires, we are refreshing forces of nature. The sensual connection to our womanhood breeds confidence and unveils our unique path.

Though mainly unconscious, the current legacy between women encourages us to doubt what we desire. We teach young girls to let the outer (media, men, peers) versus the inner (truth, intuition, pleasure) guide them.

The ultimate goal of Volver, and I believe all the current efforts being made by divine-feminine guru’s, is to restore a legacy of desire between women. A legacy that is ultimately passed down between mothers and daughters for all generations to come.

This reclamation is beginning with us midlifers, and although the “how” is currently in process, this truth will one day trickle down, radiate out and infuse all women of all ages … who desire it.

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Affirming Sisterhood and When Your Brilliant Advice Sucks

This article was originally published at Roots of She.

I love the name of this site: “Roots of She”. I feel a deep resonance whenever I land on the home page and read the header. For me, the “Roots of She” are sisterhood. Well, not just sisterhood … affirming sisterhood.

Imagine what it would be like if all the females in your life…

• only affirmed you
• told you you’re beautiful
• reflected that your feelings are perfect
• reminded you that you will find your way
• applauded all your decisions
• saw how wildly creative you are
• celebrated your tremendous connection to the eternal
• thought all of your desires are beautiful
• commended all of your research skills
• said that you make their life better
• felt that you are an inspiration
• believed in you with every cell of their body

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that this amount of love is possible when a pack of women come together to celebrate, honor and anchor into their emotionality. Radically loving sisterhood, like few modern women experience, is unabashedly liberated.

One of the big reasons that this type of sisterhood evades most of us is that we live in a culture that is quite clueless about emotions and ironically, all the helpful advice we love to bestow can often divide rather than unite us.

Have you ever been in a profound river of emotion, tears pouring down your face, surrendering to and disclosing all of your  “irrational” fears, judgments and feelings, and someone starts giving you advice?
I think I speak for many when I say I CANNOT STAND WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

I’ve encountered this situation with every possible person: relatives, friends, ex-boyfriends, my spouse, and even with therapists and healers. And I am no innocent either. Though in general I consider myself sensitive to the vulnerability of others, my “amazing” advice and feedback have often rudely cut in front of my intuition to simply empathize.

Though we are all so full of great ideas and suggestions, poorly timed solving and fixing usually makes things worse. Trying to make someone feel better can often times impede a sacred emotional process that when traversed, unveils a boatload of intuition, truth, peace and desire.

After 40 years of experiencing my emotional body, I finally have the wisdom to say (often to my husband) “please hold off on the advice, I just need to be heard.” I pretty much need to remind him every time I am having an emotional bout that his desire to fix the situation will be satisfied if he just listens.

In therapeutic settings, empathic listening is called “witnessing” or “holding the space,” though in my desire to bridge this therapeutic skill with the mainstream, I like to refer to it as “seeing” someone. We ALL, so simply and profoundly, need to be seen.

Next time a loved one is surfing an emotional swell, just listen and maybe say, “Ugh, that sounds so hard.” OR if you are busting at the seams to offer advice, simply ask, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want to know what I think?” I LOVE when someone asks me this question. I feel so respected … and seen.

Every time we regard a sister’s emotional waves as sacred and take faith that her tears are the only brilliant thing that needs to be expressed, the “Roots of She” smile and grow strong.

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MENitation: Part 1 of 2 (or 3)

Before you dive into this one, please know that although I currently do not meditate, I have a deep respect for meditation and imagine that I will one day practice again. My desire for this post (and every post on my site) is to create awareness of our feminine essence.

Meditation is a male spiritual practice.

From 1999-2006, I was heavy on the Buddhist meditation path. By 2006, after establishing a thriving Buddhist inspired psychotherapy practice, I made things official and took refuge with a renowned teacher. Things took an unexpected turn when within months of becoming pregnant, my love for Buddhism and its practices … tanked. Though I knew Buddhism was no longer my path, I was miffed as to why a view I loved so dear suddenly felt useless.

Clarity arrived while listening to David Deida’s Enlightened Sex CD set where he discusses the differences between the masculine and feminine essences. He distinguishes the following:

Where the feminine essence prefers connection and togetherness in times of strife, the masculine essence likes to figure it out solo. Are you familiar with the Hero’s Journey? The hero goes off to be alone in order to find his truth, just like the monks meditating in caves. Independence is the route.

Where the feminine essence performs and receives attention, the masculine essence is the observer who watches. Think of all the dudes who love to watch sports, the scientist who stands back and observes his environment, and the utter nirvana many guys feel when watching the tube.

Where the feminine essence bases her experience on how she feels, the masculine essence sources thoughts and beliefs. Ask most men how they felt about something and you might as well have said “ufhdjhfkjdhfpiuwfhkjsbpiUGTPWIfpif.” Ask them what they think about something and you will get a plethora of information.

After making these and many other incredible distinctions between the feminine and masculine essence, Deida states that meditation is a “male spiritual practice” because you sit alone, observing your thoughts.

For a woman who spent most of her life proving how independent and rational she was, this description hit me like a ton of bricks.

Meditation is a spiritual tool created by brilliant men to soften our ego’s. The ego IS the male essence: the part of us that experiences separateness, that wants structure, facts, wants things to make sense, add up, be fixed and practical. The wonderful left brain. Without it, we’d all be happily sitting around staring at each other unable to speak.

Though many eastern philosophies would like to convince us differently – our egos are rather phenomenal. They administer tons of goodness and kindness. Things go awry in our inner and outer world when the ego believes it is in service of itself, AKA unawareness. This is one of the main reasons why meditation is extraordinary. It tames our ego and shows us that there is something else, completely beyond conception, that is driving the human experience. When we realize this, we can position our ego to create goodness.

Am I saying women shouldn’t meditate? No, no, no. All beings have a feminine and masculine essence, which means that all women have egos, thus meditation is a relevant spiritual tool.

However, I can’t help but wonder if male created spiritual practices, designed to address the ego through solitude and discipline, are best suited for those whose male essence is primary? I am currently living this question.

As a mom and a healer, I believe that the feminine essence creates egos and keeps them healthy/in service of our deepest truth. It is through divine relationship, pleasure and our desire for something more that our feminine truth is honored. Quite the opposite of meditation.

To be conintued …

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Returning With Sheila Kamara Hay: Ecstatic Birth

This post includes some of my adorable opinions about childbirth in our western world. I by no means want to disrespect any woman who desired/desires mainstream medical intervention, for whatever reason. Only you know what it right for you and I completely revere this truth.

In my first pregnancy, though I walked out of the hospital with a healthy baby girl, delivering her came with a lot of unnecessary medical intervention that left me with a ton of guilt and regret. As many women experience, the birth process is an entire world unto itself that seems to all too often blatantly disregard the desires of mom. With this as my reference point, about halfway through my second pregnancy, I could no longer disregard the dread I was feeling about my upcoming delivery. I was studying with Mama Gena at the time and she referred me to Sheila Kamara Hay. In one amazing phone call, Sheila turned my entire world around and put the power right back in my hands. As fate should have it, when I went into labor with my son, I was thrown many medical curve balls. This time, I met all of them with buckets of right-brain brilliance and ultimately arrived at the birth of my desires.

Sisters, to be blunt, the western world’s perspective towards childbirth SUCKS. While I am on-my-knees grateful for all of the lives allopathic medicine saves, way more often than not, it disrespects women and disconnects them from a power and a process that will never have any words.

Thankfully, Sheila is organizing and leading an indomitable group of feminine leaders who are putting the “P” back in childbirth. She has a tele-summit just around the corner with the HOTTEST lineup of pleasure and birth gurus. If you are interested in a view that leaves a woman’s esteem intact no matter what happens during her birth OR know a pregnant woman who desires this information, DO NOT miss this summit. She generously extended a $100 discount for Volver readers (coupon code: VOLVER.) It is my GREAT pleasure to introduce Returning With Sheila Kamara Hay of Ecstatic Birth:

In this moment what is your top brag, top gratitude and top desire?
I brag that I have created an incredible course for women to learn how to connect more deeply with their bodies and that I’ve got a roster of teachers that are my heroines in the worlds of sensuality and birth. I’m so grateful for the enthusiasm and outright LUST this material is being received with, like the world is truly hungry for this information- on how a woman can reclaim childbirth from our cultural heritage of pain, fear, and victimization and create a new one full of joy, pleasure, and empowerment. I desire to have over 300 registrants for this ground-breaking series.

If you had all the women in the worlds ear for one minute, what would you want them to know?
I would want them to know that there is a whole other way to birth than what we see in the mainstream media. I would want them know that childbirth has an enormous capacity for transformative pleasure and that this is a rite of passage to motherhood.

What was your inspiration in creating Ecstatic-Birth
My inspiration was my own personal experience, wanting to create a birth that was full of love and joy and pleasure and not really knowing how. After experiencing one medicalized birth, I decided that if I was ever going to do it again it would have to be completely different. And I researched everywhere, read everything, practiced all kinds of things, worked my ass off to create a birth that was beautiful and powerful and zen the second time around. The third time, I knew I could do it, so I wanted to see if I could enjoy it and that was where I put my attention. I learned sooo much through the process that I was inspired to create Ecstatic Birth and share what I have learned.

What was the dumbest thing that you used to believe?
That there was an objective “best” out there- like the “best doctor” or the “best hospital” with my first birth. I now know that there is only what is best for me and that can be different for each person.

What is your vision for the world and how might we arrive there?
My vision for the world is that we see birth as a sacred rite of passage that isn’t separate and distinct from the pleasures of baby-making, but the culmination of it. To arrive there, women need to reclaim and reconnect with their bodies and their sexuality and all the wisdom and pleasure that lie within.

SING. IT. SISTER.

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How I Met My Man

I have an incredible husband, named David. Truly, whoever wrote the stories about Prince Charming knew someone like him. He is handsome, charismatic, generous, romantic, enthusiastic, devoted, funny (see picture,) well educated, great lover, hard working and a wonderful father. He LOVES to make all women happy and LIVES to be the hero. I am his Queen and I stand confidently by his side. Our relationship is not without the challenges of every marriage, but I see him and he sees me.

My last boyfriend before meeting David had dreads down to his ass and rode a Triumph motorcycle. While he was WAY fun, we missed each other in the response ability department. To go from dread-man to David was a big leap in a very different direction.

There is so much advice about meeting our soul mates: vision boards, books on calling in the “one”, attraction seminars, support groups, dating coaches, etc. With all of the theories on dating, I have often contemplated as to how I “scored” such a good one. I’m sharing this story to potentially inspire anyone who is desiring to meet their mate.

After many adventurous, but ultimately unfulfilling relationships, at 28 I had come up empty in the guy and work department. For me, no man, plus no career, equaled panic attacks. Luckily, I lived in Boulder,CO, otherwise known as psychotherapy central, and I conjured a referral for a wonderful male Buddhist therapist named Bruce.

Seeing Bruce gave me an entirely different experience of men. Here was a man who thought deeply about emotions and spirituality, loved to help people AND maintained his masculinity along the way. I honestly didn’t think men like him existed. He also thought my provocative ways were adorable and affirmed what my soul loved most: psychology and spirituality (I know, I was in good company).

Working with him made me take a hard look at all the men I allowed into my life. I realized that I attracted men who didn’t see me and I also realized it was because I hadn’t yet seen myself. But the crazy part was that I wasn’t seeing myself out of a fear that it would narrow the pool of men to choose from.

When I finally saw this pattern and how draining it had ultimately been to my life force, I vowed that I would never be in another relationship where I wasn’t fully seen, even if that meant spending the rest of my life … alone. I meant it.

But you all have heard this before: the woman who finds a man as soon as she stops looking. Yes, I believe this was a third of my genius. Another third was that I continued to see my therapist and by doing so, continued to fill up on high grade Vitamin See … thus I never went hungry. Vitamin See depletion leads to desperation and desperation is only attractive to other desperate folks.

And my third act of genius was that I took another huge leap and heard a call to attend Naropa University to pursue a Master’s degree in Buddhist Psychology, something I had wanted to do since arriving in Boulder five years prior. I began pursuing my soul’s pleasure.

So there I stood steeped in radical self love, Vitamin See and pleasure. When David walked past me for the first time, I will never forget the double take. Sisters, a woman floating in the delight of her being is the strongest pheromone.

He was overt in his desire to meet me, but I wasn’t interested, I was too busy basking in the pleasure of being me. He called me and I didn’t call him back for a few days. He invited me out and I kept putting him off. He essentially pursued my disinterested ass for a month until one night he got me on the phone and we chatted and chatted and chatted until the battery of my phone died.

We had our first date the next day and I bought myself a new pair of shoes an hour before we met. I was interested. Three months later we moved in together.

So here is the recap:

1. Discover what your soul needs to be in full bloom and stand for that at all costs.
2. Hang out with good men even if you have to pay them (and honestly … you always pay.)
3. Keep your Vitamin See tank full.
4. Pursue your pleasure/turn on and bask in the enjoyment. There is nothing more attractive then the soft smile of contentment.

Did you pull any divine moves in meeting your partner?

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Response Ability Lessons From a Four Year Old Goddess

This post is in service of radical self-love and cultivating a fierce and fabulous feminine essence within ourselves and between all beings.

Due to firsthand experience, I am a bit obsessed with how many women make themselves wrong every chance they get. I have written about it here and here, and the saga continues.

I have identified the following types and although there are many variables to every situation/person, I believe we all lean toward one of these four spots:

1. The person who condemns their self and never says “sorry”
2. The person who condemns their self and always says “sorry”
3. The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and never says “sorry”
4. The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and always says “sorry”

I was in spot number 2 when I first attended the School Of Womanly Arts in 2008. At the school, I got to sip from the exquisite cocktail of my fundamental rightness and there was no going back. The word “sorry” was replaced with “I am so adorable.” It was as refreshing as eating a York Peppermint Patty and I moved myself to position number 3.

In 2009, I heard a seemingly different message from Allison Armstrong: Nothing (NOTHING) soothes a woman like the words “I am sorry I hurt your feelings.” She teaches this to men in her Understanding Women CD (recommended). She essentially encourages all men to get really comfy with this sentence as a woman’s emotional world will not be solved, fixed or rationalized. When an argument erupts, if the dude wants to move forward with a happy evening, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” are the only words that will do the trick.

Not that I want to indulge any blame gamers, but I couldn’t deny that I have had MANY moments where those words would have quelled a ton of pain. So I decided to research it.

Before I even had a chance to begin my studies, my four year old daughter suddenly began demanding that I apologize to her for things that only a preschooler could care about, like handing her the white flower plate instead of the red flower plate. I had been in spot number 3 for a good year, so I was a bit miffed by her intensity. “Where was she learning this crap?” I wondered. “At school? Aha!” I could just imagine them teaching her to say “I’m sorry.” UGH. My fear was that she, like millions of women, would turn the gavel on herself. I had to nip this in the bud.

The next time she got upset and demanded an apology, I stood my ground. I lovingly explained that I didn’t know that she wanted the red flower plate instead of the white one and it wasn’t fair for her to demand an apology. She said, “Oh, OK, Mommy. You’re so right and wise, and thank you for explaining this to my little four year old brain. I completely understand.”

NOT.

She completely FREAKED out even harder. The more I tried to be reasonable, the harder she freaked, until she was a hysterical sobbing mess on the floor screaming, “JUST SAY SORRY, MOMMY!!!”

“Alright, alright, I’M SORRY.” She immediately exhaled in utter relief, stood up, wiped her tears and went on with her task. All was returned to good.

I could no longer deny what I intuitively knew to be true. This sentence was MAGIC to the feminine essence and not because it meant I did anything wrong. It meant I loved, respected and acknowledged that I affected, her.

It reminded me of something a male friend once told me about men. When a man walks into a room full of men, it is a gesture of respect to look everyone in the eye and nod. Then everything is cool and trust has a chance. I think “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” serves the same purpose for women. We feel respected, everything is cool and trust is maintained.

There is a HUGE difference between condemnation and responsibility, or better stated, our ability to respond. When someone says I am sorry from a place of self-condemnation, they have made it about them and there is no room for real love to flow. It’s messy.

And as hard as this is to see when we feel upset, when we condemn others we impede the gift of an apology. That ultra sweet spot of fundamental rightness is the only true breeding ground for real compassion and real apologies.

With all of this said, I now plant my sexy ass in spot number 4. Would love to see you here.

xo

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