The Divine Law of Distraction

How many times have you said this to yourself?

“I just need to focus.”

“What’s the matter with me that I can’t focus?”

“Focus, focus, FOCUS.”

“OK, now what was I focusing on?”

You’ve probably said or thought these things A LOT, right? Well, what if women were hardwired to be distracted?

I just listened to Allison Armstrong’s “Understanding Women“, a fun and interesting CD, where you can listen to her teach the guys about us. One of her foundational points is that men are single focused creatures (thus they step over the laundry pile on their way up the stairs, can track a ball flying through the air and catch it, and LIVE to solve problems) and women have “diffuse awareness,” meaning our awareness is “poured into everything.” She punctuates:

Guys, I’m not saying that you focus on one thing and we focus on three or four. I’m telling you that WE. DON’T. FOCUS.

When I first heard this I chuckled out loud. Funny, I thought, we don’t focus. But then it quickly hit me: Whoa, we really don’t focus. She then goes on to explain that we CAN focus, but it’s not home base.

Sisters, home base for us is a profoundly radiant place with a sophisticated capacity to sense and enrich our immediate worlds. Think of the sweet little egg that waits for the sperm, 360 degrees of energy undulating OUT. That’s why if something in our environment is off, we are quick to feel it. This sixth sense ensures loving spaces, content children and strong relationships.

What would life be like if we allow for this beautiful design? I know we are all involved in accomplishing so much that requires major focus (and since women are pretty much taking over the workforce, we’ve more than demonstrated that we can do it very well,) but if our natural urge is to flutter from one thing to the next, compelling ourselves to focus requires a loving hand.

Alison asserts that it feels totally divine for women to have a few hours of timeless puttering each week (though I think “fluttering” sounds way more fun,) where we can just float through our homes or wherever, pleasantly buzzing from one “distraction” to the next with no eye on the clock. Sounds like a delicious slice of pleasure to me.

So next time you start to run the script that something is wrong with you because you “just can’t focus,” reMEMBER that you are a woman and you have a different way. Celebrate your urge to flutter about and be assured that by doing so, your creativity will blaze.

How To Keep Your Woman

This one is really for the guys – feel free to pass it on.

I am fascinated by what makes or breaks relationships. There are many variables: values, personality, physical attractiveness, and chemistry, to name a few. While I ultimately believe everyone is on their divine path, I can’t help but notice this pattern: super cool, dynamic, high priestess, mega-goddess marries a wonderful guy. This great man is funny, charismatic, loves to play, is hardworking, and a good provider. They have one to three kids and somewhere between seven to thirteen years into the relationship she begins to feel unhappy. She begins mentioning therapy – maybe they go, maybe not. Maybe they have long discussions, argue, and fight. Then one day she wakes up and feels completely done. When she connects with her soul, she sees no alternative, they must separate. She asks for a divorce. Dude is devastated, blind-sided, completely confused. He cannot understand what went wrong and how she could leave.

I know about ten couples this happened to, including my parents. I am not saying I know for sure why these relationships ended as these situations are very complex. Though from my current viewpoint, I do see something that every one of these woman would attest to. This great guy and father of her children simply did not see her. I believe she became so deficient in Vitamin See that breaking up her family structure was less painful than staying in the relationship. This is how powerful and important Vitamin See is for women. Without it, we feel malnourished, empty and alone.

Vitamin See is so simple but our culture is void of any direct teachings on the phenomena. This void leaves women with a nagging feeling that something is missing and leaves men lost at sea with what to do about it.

Seeing and loving someone can be achieved through appreciation, recognition, and adoration. All of these behaviors rock and anyone would get major Vitamin See points if they upped them. BUT if you really want to be the King of Vitamin See, like slam dunk, out of the park, touchdown, here is the not-so-secret recipe: Every (EVERY) woman has a unique combination of gifts that create incredible amounts of love for the planet. Find out what they are (just ask her) and write them down. At least once a week, tell her how cool one of them is and what an honor it is to be married to such a powerful woman.

That’s it. So simple and such a straight shot for filling a potentially destructive hole.

“How To Keep Your Man” coming very soon …

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Sacred Pussy

Crazy. If anyone would have ever told me that one day “pussy” was going to be one of my favorite words and I would write a blog post about it, I would have certainly asked them what drugs they were on. I’m not one of those chicks that cringed when I occasionally heard the word, but I did think it was vulgar and not a word respectable women used. Now it’s my favorite word. I love it, love it, love it! And I love mine. I love everything she feels and creates. If I ever wonder where the Goddess is, I don’t have far to look. This was one of many phenomenal angles of my womanly re-education by Regena Thomashauer. If this post inspires you to know more, I highly recommend her book Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, specifically Chapter 5, “The Womanly Art of Sensual Pleasure.”

I see a lot of powerful women walking the front lines in breaking the silence of “down there.” There’s Oprah (vajayjay), Eve Ensler (vagina), Chelsea Handler (peek-a-choo), and Alison Armstrong (the place) to name a few. Lot’s of different names eh? Cheers to all the straight-up mothers who taught their daughters the anatomical word “vagina.” However, the issue that Mama Gena raises is that a vagina is where a penis enters a woman and where a baby comes out. It connects the uterus to the outside world and can’t truly be seen without a speculum. As Wiki so perfectly states: “The word vagina is quite often incorrectly used to refer to the vulva or female genitals generally; strictly speaking, the vagina is a specific internal structure.” The correct word for the external genitalia is vulva and within the vulva there is a clitoris. Yes, the urethra is also part of the package and there are many other parts that have parts, but their functionality is not the reason for this name confusion.

Now that we’ve identified the three biggies of “down there” – what is the word for the whole package? With men, there is a shaft and glans (and many other parts that have parts) but the whole package is called “penis.” One word. Penis. Crystal clear.

Women don’t have one word for the whole enchilada. Soooooo, let’s make one up right now. We have vulva, clitoris, and vagina…. how about vulclivag? Nah, too Dr. Spock. OK, how about clivagulva? Hmmm, clivagulva. Ouch, sounds like something sharp. Ok, how about ginavultoris? Nah, that sounds like a dinosaur or some sort of infection. OK, how about pussy?

How did I go from “ginavultoris” to “pussy”? You see, when Regena recognized this problem she really thought long and hard for a word that could represent the utter magnificence and sublime multi-functionality of “down there.” When it was all said and done, “pussy” was the only one that could even come close. How’s that? Well first off, when people hear this word – they listen. It instantly commands complete attention. Second, the women I know who use it are reclaiming the sacred. They are well aware of the power this bold word possesses and appreciate how it brings even their own egos to a dramatic halt. One word. Pussy. Crystal clear.

But here’s the part that really turns me on: maybe a unified reclamation of “pussy” is just the radical choice that the feminist movement needs if we are ever truly going to sit in the thrones of our sensual power.

I end by answering a few burning Q’s some of you may have:

Am I suggesting that we teach children to use the word “pussy”? No. My daughter is 4 and I taught her the word “yoni” which is Sanskrit for female genitalia and the source of all life. Just recently, I have broached the specific parts of her yoni. I imagine when she is mature enough, I will teach her about “pussy.” Or even better, I will send her to the School of Womanly Arts.

Did I choose the name “Volver” as a wink to “vulva”? You bet.

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

In Funk I Trust

For a woman to clearly experience her intuition she must free herself of negative emotional charge.

Ten days ago I went into a swamp, funk, whatever you want to call it. I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t want to leave my bed. I am still there, perpetuated by a mean cold and a burning sore throat; tears continue to stream down my face. It is not common for me to get this funky or for it to last this long, but I take refuge in the fact that feeling sad is key to “energetic integrity” and is 1000% divinely feminine. Seeing that these are the allurements of Volver, it is only fitting that I go down this road first.

One of the main things that has me down are all the decisions I made where I bypassed my intuition. Ugh. In our modern world, one of the greatest roots of unnecessary suffering are that women are disconnected from their inner voice. Why would we trust it? We are inundated with messages and values that completely ignore it and encourage us to doubt it. Our households and left-brain academic systems are void of intuitive and emotional teachings. Our vulnerability is the muscle of intuition, and by flexing it we create the space to connect with our multi-sensory abilities. We are not “too sensitive” or “too emotional.”

Wouldn’t it be cool if researching emotions and intuition was an open conversation amongst family members? Where parents supported the decisions of their children and taught them to trust themselves simply by affirming “good choice.” These simple words could help create confident children who trust their clearest feeling of “yes” or “no.”

My swamp is long overdue. In comparison to my twenties which were defined by lots of partying, boys with dreads and motorcycles, and half-assed attempts to figure out my professional pursuits, my thirties were much heavier. Kicked-off by the passing of my father and followed by one too many choices made with my pretend penis, I have a lot to grieve. And this is the true path to my deepest desires: to heal emotionally, for intuition to be my co-pilot, and to spin seven beautiful chakras.

So, here I go. Grief, you can have me as long as you want me. It’s you, me, a box of tissues (and the “New Moon” DVD of course). See you and my blazing intuition on the other side. In funk, I completely trust.

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

Burning to Return

Whenever the pressure to achieve feels like too much, I write down every single thing I want to do and think I should do. Then I burn it.

This move instantly returns me to the truth of my energy body.  Reminding me that my emotional integrity is more important and efficient than chasing after my list.

By burning it all up, I am giving it all up.  This creates lots of room for goodies, adventure and blazing intuition.  So much so, I am beginning to see the bubbling of overwhelm as a sign of sweet surrender to come.

What are your favorite rituals?

Getting Right on Wrong

“People are more important than their opinions” – Jorge Luis Borges

After about a year into my fabulous hiatus from saying “sorry,” that silly word snuck back into my everyday vernacular. With my wacky days running after little ones, old habits die hard and it just seemed easier to say it than not.  However, I celebrate that my year-long sorry cleanse has had a gorgeous effect on my mind - the ghastly gavel is gone. What a relief.  Now, sorry comes out of my mouth for one reason only – because I care about the person I am saying it to.  This feels so good, so clean and so … well … right.

I realize for some of you what I am saying is a no-brainer.  Though for most of us, worrying that we did it wrong or that we might do something wrong is a frequent and time-consuming process in our minds.  If you can relate, this blog post is for you.

Now, here is an idea that I am crazy passionate about and I would love for you to consider: it is impossible to do something wrong.  I know, crazy.  But think about it for a minute.

If the above is true, it would mean that all this right and wrong stuff is truly just in our heads.  It would mean that we are complex and interdependent individuals interfacing with an even more complex and interdependent planet.  It would mean every moment is a new and wild set of variables that we have never experienced before.  It would mean none of us really knows what we are doing and we are all doing our best.  It would mean making yourself wrong is illogical.

This is the mind of compassion.

For most, the intent behind “sorry” is to convey that you care about someone and how you affect them.  But wouldn’t it be just as effective and more uplifting to skip all the right and wrong nonsense and simply say, “I see that I hurt you,” or my favorite, “I see you.”

Yes, yes, yes – we do need a certain level of right and wrong thinking to organize and navigate life.  Law and order is extremely useful and I am very appreciative of it.  However, turn right and wrong thinking on our emotional world and you are in for an arduous path.

Getting right on wrong is a passion of mine for personal reasons and because I believe that the current state of our world is a reflection of our right/wrong psychology gone awry. More about this exciting topic in future posts …

How do you get right on wrong?

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Vitamin See

Lots to read these days about Vitamin D deficiency and how it plays an important role in immunity. However, I know of a more dangerous deficiency that is currently plaguing the human race: we are all severely lacking in Vitamin See.

I know most of you have never even heard of Vitamin See, but it is a huge, huge, huge player in our physical health. And, as you probably can guess, is at the very heart of the feminine essence.

Would you rather be seen and loved or trusted and successful? This is the defining question David Deida refers to when exploring whether one has a feminine or masculine essence. Whatever side of the fence you land (or somewhere in between,) being seen is an absolute necessity for ALL human beings and is life-blood for the feminine essence.

Vitamin See is a no-brainer for babies and children. They demand it and we pour it on, creating an obvious positive outcome. Then we become “rational adults” and suddenly our need for Vitamin See is hung in the closet. With no map for guiding us to this critical necessity, we are all left to fend for ourselves. We either become desperate from our hunger for it, fueling competition and posturing, or pretend it’s not important, leaving us drained and depressed

The great news is Vitamin See deficiency is so easily cured it’s almost silly. There are many angles to take, but here is one of my favorites: Pick someone you know and begin recognizing a few of the many ways they show up for this wild ride. Appreciate how much courage, conviction and tenacity it has taken them to negotiate life.

Or even better, start seeing yourself. Begin writing down a few of the many decisions you have made that brought you to this very moment. There have been hundreds in the past week and millions in your lifetime thus far. Decisions are difficult to make. It has been far from easy to arrive here and you did it. Let yourself reflect, bask and soak up this truth.

I know, there is so much to see.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing and experiencing the mind-blowing effects of Vitamin See consciously solicited and elegantly administered. Once added back into our relationship diet, you see eyes light up, lungs exhale and peace cascade down bodies. Like a flower receiving essential sunlight and water – people simply blossom into their most beautiful potential when they are truly seen.

Our culture primarily teaches our wee ones to be trusted and successful, with minimal attention toward the art of being seen. Imagine a world that takes care of this very basic human need from birth until death in a way that is upfront, honest and clean. Wow. I have the chills just imagining all of the energy that would be unleashed to create the lives we really desire.

How do you get your Vitamin See?

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

Annihilating the Competition

I admit it, one of my favorite things to do these days is annihilate the competition … between women. Competition is quite a wonderful and necessary thing in itself. It makes sport exhilarating, is essential for a healthy economy and overall inspires us to reach higher. However, competition among women, or what can be called relational/social competition, ewe – nasty stuff.

Some of you know exactly what I am referring to, others “kind of get it” but they can’t put their finger on it, and some of you are totally in the dark. So here it is: spoken or unspoken, it’s the judgments, the criticism, the shoulds, the jealousy, the envy, the self-deprecation, the comparisons, the unsolicited advice, the out-doing, the out-knowing, the once-over followed by silence, the celebratory void of a sister’s accomplishment, the “why her and not me?” It’s the hesitance to declare one’s glory, it’s being ruled by false humility, it’s the belief that women are “back-stabbing bitches,” it’s fear. And if this isn’t bad enough – the effects are worse. It separates us from each other, creates worlds of self-doubt, and disses our divinity.

These behaviors, thoughts, and feelings are residual from 5 millennia of female competition. It is one of the biggest energy leaks happening on the planet. Imagine if you could get back all the time you have spent involved in unconscious competition with your friends and sisters.

Well, I bring great news: the whole thing is a sham – competition is not of our female essence.

I know, I know – all humans possess both the male and female essence and yes about ten percent of us have female parts and at our core of cores of cores feel male (and visa versa), or some of us find it impossible to choose one. For the rest of us, at our core of cores of cores we are either male or female, and this is huge. This means that people who possess a feminine essence aren’t designed to compete, it is not our nature, it is not what we do well.

What are we designed to do? What is our nature? What do we do really really REALLY well? We admire, we appreciate, we love. A woman can celebrate life like no other - it’s ridiculously amazing. And yes, I deeply believe this divine ability of ours is going to bring forth the better world we are all longing for.

So next time you find yourself going down a competitive hole with a sister – stop. Instead, I invite you to do her, the world and above all yourself a whole lot of good and tell her how much you appreciate one of her MANY beautiful qualities. If she shrugs it off, minimizes it and says, “oh, it’s nothing,” invite her to soak up the long, overdue recognition she deserves. Most importantly, make note of how your energy body feels when you choose to step off the competition hamster wheel and board the private jet plane of appreciation.

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

Breeding Contentment

Volver has a bold tagline: “Returning Pleasure and Balance to the World.” I know if I had read this tagline a few years back I would have scratched my head and thought “cute.” This article will begin explaining the ever dynamic and beautifully deep “pleasure” concept and how it is a woman’s true source of power.

Not so long ago I prided myself on being independent, rational, hard working, direct and practical. I loved these qualities and they seemed to work great for me … until I had my daughter.

After her birth, it felt like these traits turned on me. The more I used them the worse my life became. I truly felt like I was drying out, losing my life-force, losing my juice. Now I look back and laugh at how adorable I was – these beloved qualities were all male. I had a pretend penis.

So let’s flip them: independent to dependent, rational to emotional, hard working to pleasured, direct to magnetic, practical to magical. Dependent, emotional, pleasured, magnetic and magical. Did your mama teach you how to lead a life lead rooted in these attributes? Me neither.

In our culture you probably learned the male qualities and if you were very, very, (very) lucky, you learned both. And here’s the real bummer for women who mainly developed yang energy: when you have a feminine essence, leading with male qualities is inefficient, stressful and draining. (Phew, I feel tired just writing about it.)

So how can we women return to our ultra-efficient feminine essence? The answer lies in one simple question: “What can I do right now that would be pleasurable to me?” Asking ourselves this Q is a profound move that slices through our male psychology, instantly returning us to ourselves and our divine power.

It bypasses the pressure to do it right, to be liked, to accomplish, to compete, to know, to be secure, to have enough, to be independent and to be productive. It flips the ego on its head. Whatever the answer to this Q, it is always something that is energy infusing, satiating and in most cases, happiness inducing.

And here is the real fun: a pleasure-centered woman is irresistible. She gets what she wants and shares it with her loved ones times 100. She beams with confidence and takes refuge in creativity.

Nowadays, women are experiencing more success and power then ever. While this seems like great news, if this power and success is at the expense of pleasure and happiness, then in my opinion, it can’t be worth it.

Unhappy women don’t really believe in themselves, thus they don’t really get what they want. They make unhappy mothers, who make unhappy children, who attract unhappy situations. The whole thing is a mess. Maybe a mess you are familiar with.

Don’t listen to me though. Check it out. What are your top 10 pleasures? For 24 hours research how it feels to make them a sacred part of your day. See if you glow, wear a soft smile or are a joy to be around when you “return pleasure.”

Did I make even just one cell in your body smile? If so, please share this with your world (and let me know – I love to beam with appreciation )

From Buddhism to Boas

As most of you know or have read, I have a fairly strong background in Buddhism as evidenced by my M.A. in Contemplative Psychotherapy (Buddhist Psychology.) Two years ago however, I became inspired to pack up my altar and replace it with a fluffy, red-feather boa. I know, a feather boa doesn’t seem very sacred. In fact, it seems silly. That’s what I initially thought. But this accessory has so much spiritual meaning to me now that when I see it, a smile instantly crosses my face.

The boa is an adornment with a long history. It is meant to elicit fun, femininity, sensuality, flirtation, pleasure, and dance. It has both an elegant and vulgar reputation. I know of a movement of women who have come to see the boa as a mighty reminder of their powerful essence. They strategically hide them in their desks at work, lockers and cars. After they merge onto the super highway of our western culture and hit 80 mph with the pressure to achieve and produce, they fling open the desk drawer and surprise! There is that silly boa, reminding them to say “weeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And from this thrilling place, they are a true force to be reckoned with.

Here’s my story:

Four years ago the Buddha and I were doing great. I had a full contemplative psychotherapy practice and I had found a dharma teacher. I studied with him all year and took his month-long winter retreat when I was four months pregnant.

It ended up being an arduous month. I couldn’t connect to the practice, wasn’t inspired by the teachings, was irritated by the chanting and spent most of my time admiring the beautiful mauve shawl worn by the woman sitting in front of me. By week three, fantasies of dragging my suitcase to the road and hitching a ride to Denver seemed reasonable. I confided to my roommate that I wanted to leave, to which she replied, “You’re just running from yourself.” I stayed.

The final week felt like a year and when it was over I was the first one in the car. This retreat was the kick-off to a two-year journey into motherhood riddled with doubt and fear. My turmoil eventually led me to a mind-blowing lesson in self-celebration and the divine feminine at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I never used to believe in happiness, but these days I am very happy.

What is self-celebration? In a nutshell, self-celebration is the practice of recognizing, appreciating and delighting in how amazing we all are. It is an incredible discipline for anyone, but especially for oppressed populations as it is a tremendous reclamation of joy and goodness.

Although all of my new outlooks were bringing amazing things to my life, I couldn’t reconcile my new views with my old ones. Why did Buddhism seem to suddenly not apply? I got my answer while listening to David Deida’s “Enlightened Sex” CD. He pointed out that sitting meditation was a “male spiritual practice” where one “sat alone, observing thoughts.” This sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.

For most of my adult life, I was one of those women who pretended to identify with the masculine side of things. You know, I thought I was so rational, independent and practical. Being pregnant brought my masculine views to a startling halt. With my daughter growing in my belly and hormones raging through my blood, I realized I was creation and creation was all woman.

But the larger truth I was facing was that this creative life-force energy yearned for more and wanted BIG. From a warm chai and 600 thread count sheets to fair trade and the happiness of all children. My desires were huge and full of goodness. For the first time, I let myself go full-throttle on what I wanted and instead of turning into a hungry ghost, I found a well of possibility and beauty. It was after this epiphany that I decided to research a spiritual practice that was all divinely femme. This meant a discipline that was drenched in sisterhood, celebration, creativity and desires.  The results were and continue to be magical.

With all this said, seven years of studying Buddhism are not in vain. I have had this article floating around my head for over a year. I believe I am eager to write it now as I am beginning to integrate my Buddhist education with my pleasure pursuits. After all, mindfulness of thoughts and body are fundamental in realizing our glorious truth. And unconditional loving-kindness, aka Maitri, well she is the cat’s meow. But what is really turning me on these days is that self-awareness, though key, is empty without self-celebration AND self-celebration goes much, much farther when rooted in self-awareness. It is the two together that create an indomitable force.