Being that your mama is all about “returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy” I certainly think about empowering your womanhood … a lot.

Since you are only five “and a half” and thus, have much more pressing matters on your mind, I’ve decided to write to you about some of my big “aha” moments and maybe one day down the road, you will read them (and maybe even dig them.)

There is so much to write, but today I want to simply tell you about motherhood and sisterhood.  I was recently interviewed by an amazing woman for her “Maybe Baby” e-course and I adorably start off my interview by saying that motherhood “annihilated” me. Though the people who speak embellishmentese understand what I mean, some amazing folks emailed me desiring elaboration.

First, let me distinguish between you and motherhood.

You were hands down one of the most amazing things to ever arrive into my life. I was blown open with a fierce love when I held you for the first time. Till this day, I watch you in complete wonder. And you were born on the eve of the “pink moon” which in hindsight was the most auspicious wink from the universe of all the wisdom you would bring.

Essentially there was something about being the mother of a young child that felt so off for me. I felt a constant craving I couldn’t put my finger on. For the first year and a half, it was a riddle that teased me at every turn and I wrestled with it, and demanded it reveal itself. It eventually did.

What I finally came to realize was that I was missing a strong female community. Not too long ago and for thousands of years, women raised children together. It’s only in the last century that most modern women shifted into raising their kids with their partners. My DNA was craving the old paradigm.

My situation was an extreme case of how not to do it because I had recently moved to Seattle where I didn’t have deep roots. Couple this with my “I can do it myself”-ness (AKA an inability to receive) and I created a breeding ground of isolation.

Not developing/maintaining strong and supportive female relationships was my biggest “mistake.” When the torrential rains of motherhood hit: sleep deprivation, hormones and the pressure that every modern woman juggles, affirming sisterhood gets you through. It makes the first wildly demanding years of motherhood doable.

SO, what I mean by “annihilated” is that motherhood destroyed my illusion that I was an independent being who could do it all by myself. Realizing this truth has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Today, I could write pages about all that separates women from each other, but I’ll save that for another time. Know that I am on it. Also know that as soon as I realized what I was missing, I did an immediate course correct and have been soaking up sisterly love ever since.

There it is, love. For these reasons, if you should one day choose to become a parent, one of my biggest desires for you is that you feel fueled by the support of a loving female community. Yes, this is true for every aspect of life - when you have a pack of loving women behind you, you can do anything.

Love,
Mom

Why would you read my blog, participate in a workshop and spend your valuable time contemplating the feminine mystery? I can only imagine you are hungry for a relevant, affirming and mighty experience of your feminine essence.

VOLVER’s offerings are crafted to encourage emotional integrity, supportive relationships and the ability to wildly meet the wildness of life. Though the personal benefit is tremendous, at the core of VOLVER’s feast is the desire to return a feminine legacy that is rich with the above.

Returning an affirming feminine legacy is VOLVER’s greatest reason for being.

You may have already noticed that the majority of women in the world are without an affirming legacy. This means that our mothers were unable to offer the information that empowers our womanhood. In many cultures like ours, this void has existed for thousands of years and in my adorable opinion, has and continues to cause loads of unnecessary suffering for women and men.

When I close my eyes and imagine this legacy restored, I see a beautiful web that connects all women. It  is delicate, requires care and reverence, and is also indestructible. This web has taken some major blows in the last five millennia and despite all the aggression, it still exists today.

You’ve read it here:
WHY: I believe that an affirming feminine legacy is nature’s greatest creative and healing force.
HOW: I stand for and express this belief by inviting readers/participants to contemplate, research and align with the gifts of their feminine essence.
WHAT: This soulful site and my workshops that return women to themselves and best of all … to each other.

Phew. Now that I got that all out, if you would like to participate in the WHAT, so you can experience the HOW and return the WHY, my next “Belonging & The Body” course is Saturday December 10th from 2-6pm and is the last “Belonging and The Body” course until March/April. REGISTRATION ENDS THIS SUNDAY: DECEMBER 4th. To score your spot and to infuse this holiday season AND Seattle winter with your feminine power->Click.

Huge Q. Thank you, Andraya.

Young or old, without the desire for it, it is fairly difficult to convince anyone to love themselves (or to do anything for that matter.) And yes, for most women, 20-40 years have passed before they have even begun to contemplate the importance of self-love. From my viewpoint, creating the desire for self-love is the essential first step.

And this points to a bigger issue:

Like myself five years ago (and it was ugly), most women are oblivious to the power of desire. Compared to the abundance of feminine wisdom not being shared by women, mainstream media is an annoying mosquito. At the heart of that wisdom is desire.

Most people hear the word desire and think of sex. Though the physical aspects of sensuality are definitely part of the equation, desire’s bigger function is to define one’s deepest truth and potential human expression. It is a courageous and joy-igniting act of surrender.

All of us midlife desire junkies have discovered that when we are aware of our deepest desires, we are refreshing forces of nature. The sensual connection to our womanhood breeds confidence and unveils our unique path.

Though mainly unconscious, the current legacy between women encourages us to doubt what we desire. We teach young girls to let the outer (media, men, peers) versus the inner (truth, intuition, pleasure) guide them.

The ultimate goal of Volver, and I believe all the current efforts being made by divine-feminine guru’s, is to restore a legacy of desire between women. A legacy that is ultimately passed down between mothers and daughters for all generations to come.

This reclamation is beginning with us midlifers, and although the “how” is currently in process, this truth will one day trickle down, radiate out and infuse all women of all ages … who desire it.

This is the last post and is truly the grandest finale. I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Anne Davin, Mama Gena’s creative partner and as Regena so lovingly describes her: “The Force Behind The Force.”

This interview makes my heart swoon for two reasons:

First, Anne is a depth psychotherapist and since I have a background in psychotherapy, her views and words take my soul back through time. When you read the interview you will see what I mean.

Secondly, the School of Womanly Arts is about unfurling the feminine through fun and pleasure. In the spiritual circles I travel in, I suspect many roll their eyes at this idea … like I first did (“Sure, pleasure … that’s … cute.”) However, when one dares to follow their call and walk through the school’s doors, you are reconnected with the most ancient and sacred aspects of yourself. This interview gives you a clear glimpse of the school’s profound work.

Without further ado, it is my greatest pleasure to bring you this Returning Interview with one of my greatest teachers, Dr. Anne Davin.

Right now in this moment, what is your top gratitude?

I am exceedingly grateful for my terrific man who has loved me for the past ten years. His love for me has allowed me to risk way past who I thought I was. Because of him, every day I become a better version of myself. My capacity to serve life through all my creative gifts and what I value most has grown exponentially. This relationship is a direct consequence of my studies as a SWA student.

How did you come to find and attend the school?

A colleague recommended Regena’s book to me in 2006. I read it and was hugely intrigued by her message and her method, so I signed up for a correspondence course. Regena and I became immediate friends. It was clear that my professional experience and life experience as a young wife living in a Native American pueblo in the Southwest could contribute to the SWA teachings and philosophy. How? I saw then what I continue to stand for today: that the SWA is a modern-day global village of women who, by practicing the Tools and Arts, initiate one another into spiritually maturing women. It’s a cultural and personal right of passage in which a woman comes face-to-face with who she is as a sentient being. A woman’s turn on and sensuality is seen as a place where she encounters herself spiritually.

In mother cultures (indigenous), humans saw the holy in all things, especially nature. They felt it was their role to literally keep the holy alive in our world by seducing it with eloquent speech, courting it through acts of beauty, feeding it through ritual and ceremony, and embodying it as sensual beings. There was no separation between the erotic and being human. You were not fully human unless you were living your erotic nature. Every initiated man and woman was seen as a courtesan of the divine. And, it was their union with one another that called forth the greatest presencing of this divine encounter.

Tucked behind the SWA’s pink boas, tiaras, and the philosophy of the Tools and Arts, not to mention the vehicle of its delivery, Regena’s charismatic teaching, is this essential perspective. Sister Goddesses are women who are restoring this deep knowing and live it actively in their very modern worlds.

As a psychotherapist, how has your experience with the school influenced how you view/practice psychotherapy?

Traditional psychotherapy lends itself well to reflecting on and naming one’s personal history. Hundreds of techniques for doing so are practiced every day by counselors who seek to minimize the emotional suffering of their clients. I used to be one of them. My experience at the SWA has shifted my practice of psychotherapy tremendously because I now focus on increasing a client’s tolerance for pleasure.

Therapy has to liberate itself from the consulting room and consider the social conditions of a woman’s life. Women have been socially conditioned to think negatively about themselves and therefore not only require new thinking but a community to reinforce a healthy lifestyle. Women require a way of communicating that reflects the language of their “psyche,” the latin word for soul. This language is the language of pleasure, in which a woman reveals her desires and celebrates herself as uniquely woman.

Women are made of pleasure right down to their biology. And, it is through pleasure-practices that a woman opens to her full potential and emotional health. I now draw on the best of what traditional therapy has to offer and use the Tools and Arts in the form of homework with clients to assist them in living in a new way. If you are interested in more of my thoughts on pleasure and women’s emotional health check out my article “A Clinical Case for Pleasure.”

What excites you about your new bootcamp program?

I absolutely love the Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp curriculum. When I saw that Regena had not taught her book Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, which introduces all of the Tools and Arts, I was thrilled to design it. We live in a culture that renders us handless maidens. You know the mythology? A woman is victimized so badly that she becomes lost and helpless against the challenges of her inner and outer life. She suffers without taking real action towards her happiness.

Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp is the direct route to changing this in every woman. The methodological teaching and practicing of each Tool and Art grows a woman’s hands and therefore her power to transform her world in the direction of her deepest desires. Doing this within a ten-week period is just the kind of intensity that can make for sustained pleasure and happiness where there was once ongoing pain.

For those of you who like the real deal and want to be a part of one of the greatest reclamations on the planet (in my always adorable opinion), Regena and Anne deliver. I am a LOUD and PROUD affiliate. Click here to see and hear more of Anne and Regena AND to potentially make this one of your most important years as a woman.

For any of you who have checked it out, the School of Womanly Arts is a vibrantly rich, dynamic and multi-faceted experience. Grads can talk for hours about how we are positively affected. I once had the chance to ask Regena, “Of all the many brilliant things you created, what are you most proud of?” Her answer was one word,”Sisterhood.”

Though I am someone who was relatively successful at female friendship, there was something between many women (especially some female family members) and me that felt so … unsupportive. I just chalked it up to personality differences. We were all free women and the wild ride of female friendship was just … wild. Though, when it got wild, it was ugly and painful. For so many of us, sisterhood is a rough, rough road.

Did you know that for thousands (THOUSANDS) of years, women survived by hanging together in tight packs. When you travel to third world countries, you can still see it. In fact, it is only within the last hundred years that modern women have become so separate. Whether you call it biology, genetics or human animal, the last hundred years are a blip compared to the thousands of years of togetherness that is sewn into our DNA.

As a successful career woman who had recently relocated to Seattle with her man, I managed to be completely oblivious of my primal need for sisterhood until I became pregnant. Then when they handed me my little girl, FORGET-ABOUT-IT: The loneliness was immense. The constant craving to be around SISTERS was painfully undeniable.

When it comes to revealing “organic” sisterhood, I have yet to meet anyone who unleashes feminine love like Regena does. Through methods that are completely pleasurable and immediate, she reignites relationship muscles that have been severely atrophied.

Once you sip from these waters, there is no denying how RIGHT it feels and how parched you have been. It is like you have come back home to something that on a very deep level you always knew was possible. As a psychotherapist who thought she knew so much about relationships, I was pleasantly shocked.

How are things between you and other women? How are things between you and your female family members? When things take a turn down hill, do you feel supported? Do you pretend your John Wayne when things get tough? Riding off into the sunset to do it all alone?

These days, most folks think the black spots on the conventionally farmed bananas are “natural” to the banana ripening. It’s not until someone points out that organic bananas don’t ripen that way, that we realize something is amiss in banana-land. That is what it is like in the world of female friendship. We are conditioned to believe so much of our dark spots are “natural” and women are just “bitchy and competitive,” when in fact, we are conventionally bred.

If I have inspired you to know more, here is a link that winks (back to yours truly.)

What exactly is a sex positive world, you might ask? Wikipedia, the top listing when “sex positive” is Googled, has this sentence as the opener: “The sex positive movement is an ideology which promotes and embraces open sexuality with few limits.”

Huh?

As you read on, the article does a better job at accurately describing “sex positive,” though I definitely wondered if someone at Fox News wrote the first sentence. “An ideology that promotes open sexuality with few limits.” ??? That is so … ridiculous (and polarizing, but I’ll just focus on the ridiculous).

Like the words suggest, a sex positive world is one that has a positive view of sex. A world that has a positive view of sex supports individuals in the grand and mandatory research project of discovering what is sexually fulfilling. It’s grand because there are a zillion possible expressions. It’s mandatory because every human has sex organs that they need to figure out.

For some, “sexual fulfillment” will mean “open sexuality with few limits.” However, for most folks, it will mean living in a world where everyone …

• can receive a straight-up education about the thrills and pitfalls of physical pleasure.
• deeply understands it is their birth right to experience true physical pleasure.
• is lovingly encouraged to connect with physical pleasure in a way that is steeped in response ability to self and others.
• respects all the many expressions that will arise (as long as they don’t harm anyone or anything.)
  
  Limits are an absolute necessity of sexual pleasure and are self-defined. One will never arrive at authentic sexual pleasure without them.

As most of you know, I am an enormous fan of Regena Thomashauer, aka Mama Gena. After referring a gaggle of happy customers to her course, it seems I have this gift for communicating what she is up to. Thus, she invited me to be an affiliate of her next online course entitled “Online Pleasure Bootcamp”. This means that I agree to sell her course in exchange for some coin. My initial response was a big fat “YES.” Who doesn’t want to make some money doing what they already do best? But, shortly after agreeing to do it, I crashed. Truth be told: I loathe being sold and even more than that, I loathe selling.

After reeling in the feelings of nausea I felt from having signed on to a sales team, things settled and I clearly saw that there is nothing to sell. The only thing I have to say about the School of Womanly Arts is my truth. So although I am an affiliate, I am not going to sell you. I desire to simply and pleasurably tell you my honest thoughts and if I inspire you to experience Regena, her “Online Pleasure Bootcamp” is a great option for all sisters who desire her goods minus the price tag and schlep of traveling to NYC for her spring Mastery.

At forty years of age, of all the things I have researched and experienced, the most profound and healing choice I ever made for myself was to unleash my sensuality. And when I write “unleash” I mean it in the literal sense: I REMOVED THE LEASH.

Sisters, whether you are aware of it or not, the sensuality of almost every girl born in the world is leashed in some way by societies that believe she can not manage it herself. This affects all of us in very different ways. For me, and for most western women, it meant growing up in a deafening and nebulous silence. Except for a sex-ed class in junior high, which was factual and drenched in scare tactics, I and EVERY woman I know, were without any clear guidance.

OK, now that’s not true. We had men … and movies made my men, and then there was porn which are more movies made by men. And please don’t think I am ragging on men. My point is that women are not men and women have a very different view and path (that men LOVE.)

So for all of you reading this and wondering if “unleashing my sensuality” meant I got dressed up in Victoria’s Secret and met the postman at the door, the answer is “NOPE” (and that these are the images our mind creates when someone uses the sentence “unleash sensuality” is a huge symptom of the system we are operating in).

How did it change me? Well, since I no longer doubted myself as a sexual creature and began celebrating it, I owned my beauty and thus … looked more beautiful (whoa, I know, soooo racy.) People complimented me (and still do) all the time. I began researching what is truly pleasurable to me sexually and I am finding an amazing path. I flirt way more than I used to, which essentially means I am much nicer and more fun to be around. My man is into all of it, because he likes when his woman is nice to him, fun to be around and when she knows what makes her happy. It’s a win-win.

As a sensual being, I essentially see myself as a creature who is blessed with the gifts of beauty and light, and the more I fan the flames of these qualities, the more peaceful, powerful and creative I, and everyone around me, feels.

Whenever my heart reflects on all the goodness that arose from this reclamation, it swoons with appreciation for Regena. Whenever I take the time to remember what an utterly brilliant loon she is, every cell in my body smiles and I feel so blessed to know her.

My desire is pure when I say that I want every woman in the world to have this experience for themselves, and well, sensual reclamation that is cloaked in fun and affirming sisterhood is her specialty.

So there you have it Goddesses. If I have “inspired” you to want to know more: here is a recent video of her and her partner Anne Davin (who I will be interviewing soon) outlining the program that can be done from the coziness of your own home.

If you know of a sister who needs to hear it like I say it, please pass this along. This is the Pleasure Revolution, who in the world would want to miss it?

More inspiration to come …

xo

I have a Master’s degree in Contemplative (Buddhist) Psychotherapy from Naropa University. This three year program involved being part of a 20ish person community that took every class together, participated in a group process (like therapy) and attended two private month long meditation retreats. The idea was that as we learned about western psychology, Buddhist philosophy and practiced meditation, we would begin to re-examine our upbringing and become aware of our “habitual patterns.” We would then naturally act them out within the group and hope to work them out with each other. The meditation practice and retreats would take us further into ourselves and surrender, as we returned to our outbreath and learned to meet whatever arose with unconditional loving kindness. Phew, I know. Quite a dynamic and unique program. I was all about it.

Since writing “MENitation,” I have reflected on how I benefited from my former meditation practice and this Master’s program. Though I graduated from Naropa with girlfriends who will always be like family to me, my most painful moment occurred in sisterhood gone wrong. I tell you the following story to illustrate how women bred in a masculine dominant paradigm compete and create walls between each other.

What I now can clearly name as female competition, just looked like a series of bitchy mishaps with … let’s call her Josephine, a Naropa classmate. Every time Josephine and I tried to connect, we just kept having one awkward interaction after the next. Eventually she decided that she didn’t … (gulp) … like me and began to give me the cold shoulder.

There was definitely a part of me that didn’t care and knew whatever she had conjured up in her mind was hers. And there was another (bigger) part of me that felt very affected by a ton of passive-aggressive energy being swung at me every day at school. Somewhere in there I asked her if we could talk and she said yes, but we never did.

At our second year meditation retreat, I was the last one to arrive. Before I met up with the group, I stopped at the meditation hall to drop of my cushion which I plopped down at the first available spot. The next morning when the retreat began, I found myself sitting right next to her. Now I can only imagine what a truly wise and compassionate person would do in this situation. I, however, went with my adorable ego and thought: F*ck her. I’m not moving.

And thus began one of the most arduous experiences of my Naropa stint. Every outbreath returned me to a cement wall of stuck, unexpressed, tense, restricted, pressured, misunderstood frustration. EVERY outbreath threw me up against this wall, like a panther pacing in a cage, over and over and over again.

When Josephine and I finally got teamed up for a creative project, we had to work things out. She felt terrible at this point and copped to creating a mess between us. I, armed with a roll of toilet paper, watched my cement wall dissolve with every tear as I sobbed and told her how I felt. In all honesty, she explained that she was triggered by my identification as a pretty and sexy woman and that she had a judgment that it was much more valuable to be smart than attractive.

And there falls the axe between modern women.

Attractive or smart? Whore or Madonna? Truthful or polite? On one extreme, if we choose the smart and polite Madonna, we must pretend to be rational creatures and live life denying our emotional and sensual design. On the other extreme, if we choose the attractive and truthful whore, we are exiled from society, living a lifetime of judgment from the very system that enjoys us. It is in the navigation between these poles that the modern woman feels her riddle.

Quick history lesson: Archeological evidence suggests that approximately 5,000 years ago, the shift from hunter-gatherer societies to farming societies enabled a paradigm of male domination. Tribes would fight for the land and women from conquered tribes were enslaved and made a commodity. This created two camps of women: the noble/married women and the slaves who were bought and sold for their ability to pleasure and reproduce. Within this domination paradigm, both groups of women lost ownership of their sexuality. This paradigm persisted for 5,000 years and has only begun to cease with the education and liberation of western women within the last century.

Five thousand years of ownership has left modern women with almost zero reverence for our inherent sexual design. Estranged from our greatest source of power, we compete, as it seems like the only other path. In my opinion, female competition is so painful because it is not our primary design, it is something we resort to.

In retrospect, I now see the wall I experienced during that meditation retreat not only my ego’s refusal to be vulnerable, but a wall that was errected 5,000 years ago. A wall that separates almost all women from a sane experience of their source and from the ease of sisterhood.

Uniting under the truth of our sensuality not only makes these tussles null and void, it unleashes the love we truly yearn for. I believe this is one of the many reasons my intuition continuously whispers to me, “Dara, the path of feminine self-actualization and compassion exists in igniting the world below our hearts, not in calming the world above.”

“Sisterhood” by Maria Greene

This article was originally published at Roots of She.

I love the name of this site: “Roots of She”. I feel a deep resonance whenever I land on the home page and read the header. For me, the “Roots of She” are sisterhood. Well, not just sisterhood … affirming sisterhood.

Imagine what it would be like if all the females in your life…

• only affirmed you
• told you you’re beautiful
• reflected that your feelings are perfect
• reminded you that you will find your way
• applauded all your decisions
• saw how wildly creative you are
• celebrated your tremendous connection to the eternal
• thought all of your desires are beautiful
• commended all of your research skills
• said that you make their life better
• felt that you are an inspiration
• believed in you with every cell of their body

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that this amount of love is possible when a pack of women come together to celebrate, honor and anchor into their emotionality. Radically loving sisterhood, like few modern women experience, is unabashedly liberated.

One of the big reasons that this type of sisterhood evades most of us is that we live in a culture that is quite clueless about emotions and ironically, all the helpful advice we love to bestow can often divide rather than unite us.

Have you ever been in a profound river of emotion, tears pouring down your face, surrendering to and disclosing all of your  “irrational” fears, judgments and feelings, and someone starts giving you advice?
I think I speak for many when I say I CANNOT STAND WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

I’ve encountered this situation with every possible person: relatives, friends, ex-boyfriends, my spouse, and even with therapists and healers. And I am no innocent either. Though in general I consider myself sensitive to the vulnerability of others, my “amazing” advice and feedback have often rudely cut in front of my intuition to simply empathize.

Though we are all so full of great ideas and suggestions, poorly timed solving and fixing usually makes things worse. Trying to make someone feel better can often times impede a sacred emotional process that when traversed, unveils a boatload of intuition, truth, peace and desire.

After 40 years of experiencing my emotional body, I finally have the wisdom to say (often to my husband) “please hold off on the advice, I just need to be heard.” I pretty much need to remind him every time I am having an emotional bout that his desire to fix the situation will be satisfied if he just listens.

In therapeutic settings, empathic listening is called “witnessing” or “holding the space,” though in my desire to bridge this therapeutic skill with the mainstream, I like to refer to it as “seeing” someone. We ALL, so simply and profoundly, need to be seen.

Next time a loved one is surfing an emotional swell, just listen and maybe say, “Ugh, that sounds so hard.” OR if you are busting at the seams to offer advice, simply ask, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want to know what I think?” I LOVE when someone asks me this question. I feel so respected … and seen.

Every time we regard a sister’s emotional waves as sacred and take faith that her tears are the only brilliant thing that needs to be expressed, the “Roots of She” smile and grow strong.