VOLVER with Dara McKinley: Returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy - Returning to our feminine essence.

The Benefit of Being Flat on Your Back in Defeat

It’s been a wee bit since I’ve clicked “publish” and I gotta tell ya … taking a break has been divine (I highly recommend completely checking out.) The truth be told, I am not a blogger. I do LOVE to share and communicate, and this blog is an awesome way to do just that, so I will keep … blogging. This and many other realizations have happened since Taft’s departure. Losing someone I care about has brought me to the essence of my life and clarity feels glued to my heart.

Prior to Taft leaving, I’d been trying to name this “thing” I have brewing inside me. A BIG project to bring to women that includes practically everything I know … but I needed a name first and for months I was coming up empty.

I knew that participants would find it super meaningful and healing … like therapy, but it wasn’t therapy. They would also feel a profound clarity and confidence to become their greatest self … like coaching, but it wasn’t coaching. My brow strained as I thought and thought. What’s the name? What’s the name? Coapy? Theroaching? I know, embarrassing. I was that desperate.

After Taft’s funeral, I tended to his mom for a few days. Upon arriving home from the trenches of shock and despair, I laid down a lot. I didn’t nap. I just laid there, unable to move, staring at the ceiling, there was nothing to do. It felt like every cell in my body was waving a white flag. It was eerily peaceful.

During one of these flat-on-my-back moments I realized the power of this stripped down spot and I asked: What’s the name?

“The Goddess Process” instantly appeared in my mind.

Sigh.

(I am quite aware that some of you are thinking “duh.”. That was my next thought.)

Duh.

So there it is. Sometime in 2012 you will hear and maybe dip into the wildly restorative waters of “The Goddess Process” (perhaps even see a new website.).  I have an amazing project midwife and we are working hard.

Fabulousness cometh …

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Creativity Kills

This post was originally published at LaundryLineDivine.com  and is part of the Suzi’s Banks-Baum “Out of The Mouth of Babes” series.

Three weeks ago my 13-year-old nephew was caught in an avalanche while skiing. He hit a tree and died immediately. So while I am usually an upbeat “all things are possible” kind of chick, grief weighs heavy on my being.

As I ponder motherhood and creativity, death and loss cast their shadow and I can’t help but think of Pele, The Fire Goddess who creates the Big Island of Hawaii. She is the spirit of the volcano and all locals revere her power.

Regular tourists know to never take her babies- the beautiful black lava rocks that are abundantly found on the island. Boxes of rocks are returned to the island each year from tourists who have dared to snatch a small souvenir, only to encounter severe strokes of bad luck once back home.

Four years ago, I visited the Big Island with my hubby, baby girl and mother. After going for a hike on the beach, my mom returned with an assortment of shells and … black rocks. “Look at these beautiful black rocks,” she beamed. I immediately told her of Pele’s legend and told her to put them back. “I am not superstitious” she scoffed. “I love the earth and the earth loves me. Pele is happy I have her rocks.”

A few days later we met up with more family and traveled to the actual site of the volcano. One evening I stayed at the hotel with my little one and the rest of the family went to hike the volcano at night, when the land is abundant with the orange glow of lava. A few hours later, I heard cars pull up and in walked my mom … her arm in a cast. She tripped and fell on the lava rock and broke her first bone ever.

Two days later, on our way to the airport, we planned to stop at our original hotel so my mom could return the rocks. Feeling pressed for time, my husband (half jokingly) said to my mom, “Hey Victoria, I’ll slow down and you just throw them out the window.” My mom replied back, “You will stop this car. I will not put them back unceremoniously.” We pulled over, and with a humble apology to Pele she returned the rocks.

Our feminine ability to create life turns us into suicidal killers. We would kill for our baby’s safety and if they cross over before we do, we would want to go with them (though my sister-in-law says she never had that thought … I am not that reasonable.)

Something is always dying so something else can be born. When we become mothers, our youthful freedom dies. When we create new ideas, we kill off outdated ones. When we decide to create, all distractions and deterrents must die. Creativity kills. Death creates. Always.

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A Letter to my Daughter: Motherhood & Sisterhood

Dearest Little Goddess,

Being that your mama is all about “returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy” I certainly think about empowering your womanhood … a lot.

Since you are only five “and a half” and thus, have much more pressing matters on your mind, I’ve decided to write to you about some of my big “aha” moments and maybe one day down the road, you will read them (and maybe even dig them.)

There is so much to write, but today I want to simply tell you about motherhood and sisterhood.  I was recently interviewed by an amazing woman for her “Maybe Baby” e-course and I adorably start off my interview by saying that motherhood “annihilated” me. Though the people who speak embellishmentese understand what I mean, some amazing folks emailed me desiring elaboration.

First, let me distinguish between you and motherhood.

You were hands down one of the most amazing things to ever arrive into my life. I was blown open with a fierce love when I held you for the first time. Till this day, I watch you in complete wonder. And you were born on the eve of the “pink moon” which in hindsight was the most auspicious wink from the universe of all the wisdom you would bring.

Essentially there was something about being the mother of a young child that felt so off for me. I felt a constant craving I couldn’t put my finger on. For the first year and a half, it was a riddle that teased me at every turn and I wrestled with it, and demanded it reveal itself. It eventually did.

What I finally came to realize was that I was missing a strong female community. Not too long ago and for thousands of years, women raised children together. It’s only in the last century that most modern women shifted into raising their kids with their partners. My DNA was craving the old paradigm.

My situation was an extreme case of how not to do it because I had recently moved to Seattle where I didn’t have deep roots. Couple this with my “I can do it myself”-ness (AKA an inability to receive) and I created a breeding ground of isolation.

Not developing/maintaining strong and supportive female relationships was my biggest “mistake.” When the torrential rains of motherhood hit: sleep deprivation, hormones and the pressure that every modern woman juggles, affirming sisterhood gets you through. It makes the first wildly demanding years of motherhood doable.

SO, what I mean by “annihilated” is that motherhood destroyed my illusion that I was an independent being who could do it all by myself. Realizing this truth has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Today, I could write pages about all that separates women from each other, but I’ll save that for another time. Know that I am on it. Also know that as soon as I realized what I was missing, I did an immediate course correct and have been soaking up sisterly love ever since.

There it is, love. For these reasons, if you should one day choose to become a parent, one of my biggest desires for you is that you feel fueled by the support of a loving female community. Yes, this is true for every aspect of life - when you have a pack of loving women behind you, you can do anything.

Love,
Mom

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The Why, How and What of VOLVER

Why VOLVER?

Why would you read my blog, participate in a workshop and spend your valuable time contemplating the feminine mystery? I can only imagine you are hungry for a relevant, affirming and mighty experience of your feminine essence.

VOLVER’s offerings are crafted to encourage emotional integrity, supportive relationships and the ability to wildly meet the wildness of life. Though the personal benefit is tremendous, at the core of VOLVER’s feast is the desire to return a feminine legacy that is rich with the above.

Returning an affirming feminine legacy is VOLVER’s greatest reason for being.

You may have already noticed that the majority of women in the world are without an affirming legacy. This means that our mothers were unable to offer the information that empowers our womanhood. In many cultures like ours, this void has existed for thousands of years and in my adorable opinion, has and continues to cause loads of unnecessary suffering for women and men.

When I close my eyes and imagine this legacy restored, I see a beautiful web that connects all women. It  is delicate, requires care and reverence, and is also indestructible. This web has taken some major blows in the last five millennia and despite all the aggression, it still exists today.

You’ve read it here:
WHY: I believe that an affirming feminine legacy is nature’s greatest creative and healing force.
HOW: I stand for and express this belief by inviting readers/participants to contemplate, research and align with the gifts of their feminine essence.
WHAT: This soulful site and my workshops that return women to themselves and best of all … to each other.

Phew. Now that I got that all out, if you would like to participate in the WHAT, so you can experience the HOW and return the WHY, my next “Belonging & The Body” course is Saturday December 10th from 2-6pm and is the last “Belonging and The Body” course until March/April. REGISTRATION ENDS THIS SUNDAY: DECEMBER 4th. To score your spot and to infuse this holiday season AND Seattle winter with your feminine power->Click.

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An Arsenal of Feminine Power … Feeling Beautiful

Though there are many indomitable forces of woman nature, one of my absolute favorites is beauty. And ugh, before I write more, I need to stop and give beauty a great, big hug. Poor girl. She catches so much crap.

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Restoring a Legacy of Desire

I received an awesome Q via email the other day from Andraya Dickens, a goddess who is well beyond her years. The subject line was “What about the young ladies out there?” Essentially she observes that the pursuit of self-love and feminine reclamation is primarily happening for women over 30. In her email, she wonders about all the teenagers and young women who are suffering at the hands of degrading media messages and asks, “How do you convince girls that they are worth so much more than they suppose when they are completely reluctant to love themselves?”

Huge Q. Thank you, Andraya.

Young or old, without the desire for it, it is fairly difficult to convince anyone to love themselves (or to do anything for that matter.) And yes, for most women, 20-40 years have passed before they have even begun to contemplate the importance of self-love. From my viewpoint, creating the desire for self-love is the essential first step.

And this points to a bigger issue:

Like myself five years ago (and it was ugly), most women are oblivious to the power of desire. Compared to the abundance of feminine wisdom not being shared by women, mainstream media is an annoying mosquito. At the heart of that wisdom is desire.

Most people hear the word desire and think of sex. Though the physical aspects of sensuality are definitely part of the equation, desire’s bigger function is to define one’s deepest truth and potential human expression. It is a courageous and joy-igniting act of surrender.

All of us midlife desire junkies have discovered that when we are aware of our deepest desires, we are refreshing forces of nature. The sensual connection to our womanhood breeds confidence and unveils our unique path.

Though mainly unconscious, the current legacy between women encourages us to doubt what we desire. We teach young girls to let the outer (media, men, peers) versus the inner (truth, intuition, pleasure) guide them.

The ultimate goal of Volver, and I believe all the current efforts being made by divine-feminine guru’s, is to restore a legacy of desire between women. A legacy that is ultimately passed down between mothers and daughters for all generations to come.

This reclamation is beginning with us midlifers, and although the “how” is currently in process, this truth will one day trickle down, radiate out and infuse all women of all ages … who desire it.

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Returning with Dr. Anne Davin

In case you haven’t heard yet, August has become Mama Gena month, as I am serving up the Volver goods in service of inspiring you to do her online bootcamp.

This is the last post and is truly the grandest finale. I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Anne Davin, Mama Gena’s creative partner and as Regena so lovingly describes her: “The Force Behind The Force.”

This interview makes my heart swoon for two reasons:

First, Anne is a depth psychotherapist and since I have a background in psychotherapy, her views and words take my soul back through time. When you read the interview you will see what I mean.

Secondly, the School of Womanly Arts is about unfurling the feminine through fun and pleasure. In the spiritual circles I travel in, I suspect many roll their eyes at this idea … like I first did (“Sure, pleasure … that’s … cute.”) However, when one dares to follow their call and walk through the school’s doors, you are reconnected with the most ancient and sacred aspects of yourself. This interview gives you a clear glimpse of the school’s profound work.

Without further ado, it is my greatest pleasure to bring you this Returning Interview with one of my greatest teachers, Dr. Anne Davin.

Right now in this moment, what is your top gratitude?

I am exceedingly grateful for my terrific man who has loved me for the past ten years. His love for me has allowed me to risk way past who I thought I was. Because of him, every day I become a better version of myself. My capacity to serve life through all my creative gifts and what I value most has grown exponentially. This relationship is a direct consequence of my studies as a SWA student.

How did you come to find and attend the school?

A colleague recommended Regena’s book to me in 2006. I read it and was hugely intrigued by her message and her method, so I signed up for a correspondence course. Regena and I became immediate friends. It was clear that my professional experience and life experience as a young wife living in a Native American pueblo in the Southwest could contribute to the SWA teachings and philosophy. How? I saw then what I continue to stand for today: that the SWA is a modern-day global village of women who, by practicing the Tools and Arts, initiate one another into spiritually maturing women. It’s a cultural and personal right of passage in which a woman comes face-to-face with who she is as a sentient being. A woman’s turn on and sensuality is seen as a place where she encounters herself spiritually.

In mother cultures (indigenous), humans saw the holy in all things, especially nature. They felt it was their role to literally keep the holy alive in our world by seducing it with eloquent speech, courting it through acts of beauty, feeding it through ritual and ceremony, and embodying it as sensual beings. There was no separation between the erotic and being human. You were not fully human unless you were living your erotic nature. Every initiated man and woman was seen as a courtesan of the divine. And, it was their union with one another that called forth the greatest presencing of this divine encounter.

Tucked behind the SWA’s pink boas, tiaras, and the philosophy of the Tools and Arts, not to mention the vehicle of its delivery, Regena’s charismatic teaching, is this essential perspective. Sister Goddesses are women who are restoring this deep knowing and live it actively in their very modern worlds.

As a psychotherapist, how has your experience with the school influenced how you view/practice psychotherapy?

Traditional psychotherapy lends itself well to reflecting on and naming one’s personal history. Hundreds of techniques for doing so are practiced every day by counselors who seek to minimize the emotional suffering of their clients. I used to be one of them. My experience at the SWA has shifted my practice of psychotherapy tremendously because I now focus on increasing a client’s tolerance for pleasure.

Therapy has to liberate itself from the consulting room and consider the social conditions of a woman’s life. Women have been socially conditioned to think negatively about themselves and therefore not only require new thinking but a community to reinforce a healthy lifestyle. Women require a way of communicating that reflects the language of their “psyche,” the latin word for soul. This language is the language of pleasure, in which a woman reveals her desires and celebrates herself as uniquely woman.

Women are made of pleasure right down to their biology. And, it is through pleasure-practices that a woman opens to her full potential and emotional health. I now draw on the best of what traditional therapy has to offer and use the Tools and Arts in the form of homework with clients to assist them in living in a new way. If you are interested in more of my thoughts on pleasure and women’s emotional health check out my article “A Clinical Case for Pleasure.”

What excites you about your new bootcamp program?

I absolutely love the Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp curriculum. When I saw that Regena had not taught her book Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, which introduces all of the Tools and Arts, I was thrilled to design it. We live in a culture that renders us handless maidens. You know the mythology? A woman is victimized so badly that she becomes lost and helpless against the challenges of her inner and outer life. She suffers without taking real action towards her happiness.

Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp is the direct route to changing this in every woman. The methodological teaching and practicing of each Tool and Art grows a woman’s hands and therefore her power to transform her world in the direction of her deepest desires. Doing this within a ten-week period is just the kind of intensity that can make for sustained pleasure and happiness where there was once ongoing pain.

For those of you who like the real deal and want to be a part of one of the greatest reclamations on the planet (in my always adorable opinion), Regena and Anne deliver. I am a LOUD and PROUD affiliate. Click here to see and hear more of Anne and Regena AND to potentially make this one of your most important years as a woman.

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The Sexual Limits of a Sex Positive World

One of my very adorable opinions that I share with amazing feminine leaders is that a sex positive world is at the heart of feminism.

What exactly is a sex positive world, you might ask? Wikipedia, the top listing when “sex positive” is Googled, has this sentence as the opener: “The sex positive movement is an ideology which promotes and embraces open sexuality with few limits.”

Huh?

As you read on, the article does a better job at accurately describing “sex positive,” though I definitely wondered if someone at Fox News wrote the first sentence. “An ideology that promotes open sexuality with few limits.” ??? That is so … ridiculous (and polarizing, but I’ll just focus on the ridiculous).

Like the words suggest, a sex positive world is one that has a positive view of sex. A world that has a positive view of sex supports individuals in the grand and mandatory research project of discovering what is sexually fulfilling. It’s grand because there are a zillion possible expressions. It’s mandatory because every human has sex organs that they need to figure out.

For some, “sexual fulfillment” will mean “open sexuality with few limits.” However, for most folks, it will mean living in a world where everyone …

• can receive a straight-up education about the thrills and pitfalls of physical pleasure.
• deeply understands it is their birth right to experience true physical pleasure.
• is lovingly encouraged to connect with physical pleasure in a way that is steeped in response ability to self and others.
• respects all the many expressions that will arise (as long as they don’t harm anyone or anything.)
  
  Limits are an absolute necessity of sexual pleasure and are self-defined. One will never arrive at authentic sexual pleasure without them.

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A Tale of Two Shrews (MENitation, Part 2)

As most of you know, I am living some big questions about meditation and feminine spirituality. These recent contemplations naturally bring me back to my time as a meditator. There are so many things which are undeniably cool about meditation. For me, at the top of this list, meditation is an amazing revealer of our actual experience. Ten years ago, meditation revealed something HUGE to me that I can finally describe.

I have a Master’s degree in Contemplative (Buddhist) Psychotherapy from Naropa University. This three year program involved being part of a 20ish person community that took every class together, participated in a group process (like therapy) and attended two private month long meditation retreats. The idea was that as we learned about western psychology, Buddhist philosophy and practiced meditation, we would begin to re-examine our upbringing and become aware of our “habitual patterns.” We would then naturally act them out within the group and hope to work them out with each other. The meditation practice and retreats would take us further into ourselves and surrender, as we returned to our outbreath and learned to meet whatever arose with unconditional loving kindness. Phew, I know. Quite a dynamic and unique program. I was all about it.

Since writing “MENitation,” I have reflected on how I benefited from my former meditation practice and this Master’s program. Though I graduated from Naropa with girlfriends who will always be like family to me, my most painful moment occurred in sisterhood gone wrong. I tell you the following story to illustrate how women bred in a masculine dominant paradigm compete and create walls between each other.

What I now can clearly name as female competition, just looked like a series of bitchy mishaps with … let’s call her Josephine, a Naropa classmate. Every time Josephine and I tried to connect, we just kept having one awkward interaction after the next. Eventually she decided that she didn’t … (gulp) … like me and began to give me the cold shoulder.

There was definitely a part of me that didn’t care and knew whatever she had conjured up in her mind was hers. And there was another (bigger) part of me that felt very affected by a ton of passive-aggressive energy being swung at me every day at school. Somewhere in there I asked her if we could talk and she said yes, but we never did.

At our second year meditation retreat, I was the last one to arrive. Before I met up with the group, I stopped at the meditation hall to drop of my cushion which I plopped down at the first available spot. The next morning when the retreat began, I found myself sitting right next to her. Now I can only imagine what a truly wise and compassionate person would do in this situation. I, however, went with my adorable ego and thought: F*ck her. I’m not moving.

And thus began one of the most arduous experiences of my Naropa stint. Every outbreath returned me to a cement wall of stuck, unexpressed, tense, restricted, pressured, misunderstood frustration. EVERY outbreath threw me up against this wall, like a panther pacing in a cage, over and over and over again.

When Josephine and I finally got teamed up for a creative project, we had to work things out. She felt terrible at this point and copped to creating a mess between us. I, armed with a roll of toilet paper, watched my cement wall dissolve with every tear as I sobbed and told her how I felt. In all honesty, she explained that she was triggered by my identification as a pretty and sexy woman and that she had a judgment that it was much more valuable to be smart than attractive.

And there falls the axe between modern women.

Attractive or smart? Whore or Madonna? Truthful or polite? On one extreme, if we choose the smart and polite Madonna, we must pretend to be rational creatures and live life denying our emotional and sensual design. On the other extreme, if we choose the attractive and truthful whore, we are exiled from society, living a lifetime of judgment from the very system that enjoys us. It is in the navigation between these poles that the modern woman feels her riddle.

Quick history lesson: Archeological evidence suggests that approximately 5,000 years ago, the shift from hunter-gatherer societies to farming societies enabled a paradigm of male domination. Tribes would fight for the land and women from conquered tribes were enslaved and made a commodity. This created two camps of women: the noble/married women and the slaves who were bought and sold for their ability to pleasure and reproduce. Within this domination paradigm, both groups of women lost ownership of their sexuality. This paradigm persisted for 5,000 years and has only begun to cease with the education and liberation of western women within the last century.

Five thousand years of ownership has left modern women with almost zero reverence for our inherent sexual design. Estranged from our greatest source of power, we compete, as it seems like the only other path. In my opinion, female competition is so painful because it is not our primary design, it is something we resort to.

In retrospect, I now see the wall I experienced during that meditation retreat not only my ego’s refusal to be vulnerable, but a wall that was errected 5,000 years ago. A wall that separates almost all women from a sane experience of their source and from the ease of sisterhood.

Uniting under the truth of our sensuality not only makes these tussles null and void, it unleashes the love we truly yearn for. I believe this is one of the many reasons my intuition continuously whispers to me, “Dara, the path of feminine self-actualization and compassion exists in igniting the world below our hearts, not in calming the world above.”

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Affirming Sisterhood and When Your Brilliant Advice Sucks

This article was originally published at Roots of She.

I love the name of this site: “Roots of She”. I feel a deep resonance whenever I land on the home page and read the header. For me, the “Roots of She” are sisterhood. Well, not just sisterhood … affirming sisterhood.

Imagine what it would be like if all the females in your life…

• only affirmed you
• told you you’re beautiful
• reflected that your feelings are perfect
• reminded you that you will find your way
• applauded all your decisions
• saw how wildly creative you are
• celebrated your tremendous connection to the eternal
• thought all of your desires are beautiful
• commended all of your research skills
• said that you make their life better
• felt that you are an inspiration
• believed in you with every cell of their body

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not. To my pleasant surprise, I discovered that this amount of love is possible when a pack of women come together to celebrate, honor and anchor into their emotionality. Radically loving sisterhood, like few modern women experience, is unabashedly liberated.

One of the big reasons that this type of sisterhood evades most of us is that we live in a culture that is quite clueless about emotions and ironically, all the helpful advice we love to bestow can often divide rather than unite us.

Have you ever been in a profound river of emotion, tears pouring down your face, surrendering to and disclosing all of your  “irrational” fears, judgments and feelings, and someone starts giving you advice?
I think I speak for many when I say I CANNOT STAND WHEN THIS HAPPENS.

I’ve encountered this situation with every possible person: relatives, friends, ex-boyfriends, my spouse, and even with therapists and healers. And I am no innocent either. Though in general I consider myself sensitive to the vulnerability of others, my “amazing” advice and feedback have often rudely cut in front of my intuition to simply empathize.

Though we are all so full of great ideas and suggestions, poorly timed solving and fixing usually makes things worse. Trying to make someone feel better can often times impede a sacred emotional process that when traversed, unveils a boatload of intuition, truth, peace and desire.

After 40 years of experiencing my emotional body, I finally have the wisdom to say (often to my husband) “please hold off on the advice, I just need to be heard.” I pretty much need to remind him every time I am having an emotional bout that his desire to fix the situation will be satisfied if he just listens.

In therapeutic settings, empathic listening is called “witnessing” or “holding the space,” though in my desire to bridge this therapeutic skill with the mainstream, I like to refer to it as “seeing” someone. We ALL, so simply and profoundly, need to be seen.

Next time a loved one is surfing an emotional swell, just listen and maybe say, “Ugh, that sounds so hard.” OR if you are busting at the seams to offer advice, simply ask, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want to know what I think?” I LOVE when someone asks me this question. I feel so respected … and seen.

Every time we regard a sister’s emotional waves as sacred and take faith that her tears are the only brilliant thing that needs to be expressed, the “Roots of She” smile and grow strong.

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