Response Ability Lessons From a Four Year Old Goddess
This post is in service of radical self-love and cultivating a fierce and fabulous feminine essence within ourselves and between all beings.
Due to firsthand experience, I am a bit obsessed with how many women make themselves wrong every chance they get. I have written about it here and here, and the saga continues.
I have identified the following types and although there are many variables to every situation/person, I believe we all lean toward one of these four spots:
- The person who condemns their self and never says “sorry”
- The person who condemns their self and always says “sorry”
- The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and never says “sorry”
- The person who basks in their fundamental rightness and always says “sorry”
I was in spot number 2 when I first attended the School Of Womanly Arts in 2008. At the school, I got to sip from the exquisite cocktail of my fundamental rightness and there was no going back. The word “sorry” was replaced with “I am so adorable.” It was as refreshing as eating a York Peppermint Patty and I moved myself to position number 3.
In 2009, I heard a seemingly different message from Allison Armstrong: Nothing (NOTHING) soothes a woman like the words “I am sorry I hurt your feelings.” She teaches this to men in her Understanding Women CD (recommended). She essentially encourages all men to get really comfy with this sentence as a woman’s emotional world will not be solved, fixed or rationalized. When an argument erupts, if the dude wants to move forward with a happy evening, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” are the only words that will do the trick.
Not that I want to indulge any blame gamers, but I couldn’t deny that I have had MANY moments where those words would have quelled a ton of pain. So I decided to research it.
Before I even had a chance to begin my studies, my four year old daughter suddenly began demanding that I apologize to her for things that only a preschooler could care about, like handing her the white flower plate instead of the red flower plate. I had been in spot number 3 for a good year, so I was a bit miffed by her intensity. “Where was she learning this crap?” I wondered. “At school? Aha!” I could just imagine them teaching her to say “I’m sorry.” UGH. My fear was that she, like millions of women, would turn the gavel on herself. I had to nip this in the bud.
The next time she got upset and demanded an apology, I stood my ground. I lovingly explained that I didn’t know that she wanted the red flower plate instead of the white one and it wasn’t fair for her to demand an apology. She said, “Oh, OK, Mommy. You’re so right and wise, and thank you for explaining this to my little four year old brain. I completely understand.”
NOT.
She completely FREAKED out even harder. The more I tried to be reasonable, the harder she freaked, until she was a hysterical sobbing mess on the floor screaming, “JUST SAY SORRY, MOMMY!!!”
“Alright, alright, I’M SORRY.” She immediately exhaled in utter relief, stood up, wiped her tears and went on with her task. All was returned to good.
I could no longer deny what I intuitively knew to be true. This sentence was MAGIC to the feminine essence and not because it meant I did anything wrong. It meant I loved, respected and acknowledged that I affected, her.
It reminded me of something a male friend once told me about men. When a man walks into a room full of men, it is a gesture of respect to look everyone in the eye and nod. Then everything is cool and trust has a chance. I think “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” serves the same purpose for women. We feel respected, everything is cool and trust is maintained.
There is a HUGE difference between condemnation and responsibility, or better stated, our ability to respond. When someone says I am sorry from a place of self-condemnation, they have made it about them and there is no room for real love to flow. It’s messy.
And as hard as this is to see when we feel upset, when we condemn others we impede the gift of an apology. That ultra sweet spot of fundamental rightness is the only true breeding ground for real compassion and real apologies.
With all of this said, I now plant my sexy ass in spot number 4. Would love to see you here.
xo
