From Buddhism to Boas
As most of you know or have read, I have a fairly strong background in Buddhism as evidenced by my M.A. in Contemplative Psychotherapy (Buddhist Psychology.) Two years ago however, I became inspired to pack up my altar and replace it with a fluffy, red-feather boa. I know, a feather boa doesn’t seem very sacred. In fact, it seems silly. That’s what I initially thought. But this accessory has so much spiritual meaning to me now that when I see it, a smile instantly crosses my face.
The boa is an adornment with a long history. It is meant to elicit fun, femininity, sensuality, flirtation, pleasure, and dance. It has both an elegant and vulgar reputation. I know of a movement of women who have come to see the boa as a mighty reminder of their powerful essence. They strategically hide them in their desks at work, lockers and cars. After they merge onto the super highway of our western culture and hit 80 mph with the pressure to achieve and produce, they fling open the desk drawer and surprise! There is that silly boa, reminding them to say “weeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And from this thrilling place, they are a true force to be reckoned with.
Here’s my story:
Four years ago the Buddha and I were doing great. I had a full contemplative psychotherapy practice and I had found a dharma teacher. I studied with him all year and took his month-long winter retreat when I was four months pregnant.
It ended up being an arduous month. I couldn’t connect to the practice, wasn’t inspired by the teachings, was irritated by the chanting and spent most of my time admiring the beautiful mauve shawl worn by the woman sitting in front of me. By week three, fantasies of dragging my suitcase to the road and hitching a ride to Denver seemed reasonable. I confided to my roommate that I wanted to leave, to which she replied, “You’re just running from yourself.” I stayed.
The final week felt like a year and when it was over I was the first one in the car. This retreat was the kick-off to a two-year journey into motherhood riddled with doubt and fear. My turmoil eventually led me to a mind-blowing lesson in self-celebration and the divine feminine at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts. I never used to believe in happiness, but these days I am very happy.
What is self-celebration? In a nutshell, self-celebration is the practice of recognizing, appreciating and delighting in how amazing we all are. It is an incredible discipline for anyone, but especially for oppressed populations as it is a tremendous reclamation of joy and goodness.
Although all of my new outlooks were bringing amazing things to my life, I couldn’t reconcile my new views with my old ones. Why did Buddhism seem to suddenly not apply? I got my answer while listening to David Deida’s “Enlightened Sex” CD. He pointed out that sitting meditation was a “male spiritual practice” where one “sat alone, observing thoughts.” This sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.
For most of my adult life, I was one of those women who pretended to identify with the masculine side of things. You know, I thought I was so rational, independent and practical. Being pregnant brought my masculine views to a startling halt. With my daughter growing in my belly and hormones raging through my blood, I realized I was creation and creation was all woman.
But the larger truth I was facing was that this creative life-force energy yearned for more and wanted BIG. From a warm chai and 600 thread count sheets to fair trade and the happiness of all children. My desires were huge and full of goodness. For the first time, I let myself go full-throttle on what I wanted and instead of turning into a hungry ghost, I found a well of possibility and beauty. It was after this epiphany that I decided to research a spiritual practice that was all divinely femme. This meant a discipline that was drenched in sisterhood, celebration, creativity and desires. The results were and continue to be magical.
With all this said, seven years of studying Buddhism are not in vain. I have had this article floating around my head for over a year. I believe I am eager to write it now as I am beginning to integrate my Buddhist education with my pleasure pursuits. After all, mindfulness of thoughts and body are fundamental in realizing our glorious truth. And unconditional loving-kindness, aka Maitri, well she is the cat’s meow. But what is really turning me on these days is that self-awareness, though key, is empty without self-celebration AND self-celebration goes much, much farther when rooted in self-awareness. It is the two together that create an indomitable force.
