Self-love is not a pedi. Bummer, right?
I do love my pedis. Very much, in fact. And don’t get me wrong, women who know the sacred power of receiving pleasure and cultivating beauty are the kind of sisters I like to hang with. BUT, the truth is that you can be a rock star at pleasure and beauty but still doubt, judge, fear, and …. hate yourself …. often.
What is self-love? I think it’s our relationship to our selves and when I use “selves” I mean the many diverse and often contradictory emotions and aspects of our being. On a very basic level, self-love means developing a loving relationship with a wild cast of characters, aka negative beliefs. It’s a daunting task at first, though once you realize all the isolation and confusion these unattended beliefs create, self-love seems like a much better option.
Awareness is the first step to getting anywhere on the self-love road. Notice when you are captured by a negative belief. Fear, criticism, frustration, impatience, judgement, doubt, aggression … whether aimed at yourself or others, these are all issues of self-love.
I am being put to the self-love test. I messed up my lower back three days ago and have been bedridden since. Naturally, I’ve had a few impatient and frustrated moments being in pain and stuck in bed. Louise Hay in her book You Can Heal Your Life, says lower back pain has to do with money and I can’t deny I put a lot of pressure on myself to make money. Although my man is a great provider, I was raised in a blue collar family and these messages ring loud: “WORK HARD.” “EARN YOUR WAY.” “BE INDEPENDENT.” “SURVIVE.” Despite my comfortable situation, I have this belief that I must bust my ass and earn my own money, or I might not make it.
It helps to give a neg belief a fun name, so I named this one the “Blue Collar Bully” (BCB). Her voice looms large in my being. Especially now, when I am completely out of the game and can’t even make dinner to “earn” my keep.
After three frustrating days in bed unable to move, I decided to pour rightfulness all over my lower back pain by writing a list of all the many blessings of my situation … and there were many (having time to write this post is one of them). Then the BCB and I had a long overdue conversation.
As it turns out, she’s quite vulnerable and afraid. She’s mainly afraid I’ll be a “loser” (her words). When I asked her to define “loser” she said it was someone who is unable to create what they deeply desire. We then examined the lives of some people we knew who died without conjuring their deepest desires. Sure enough, their lives seemed void of awareness and self-love. We also talked about how much we loved these people and how hard it was to witness their unhappiness. I assured her I was on a different path to becoming me and that she could chill. We hugged and I thanked her for looking out for me. No lie, she was so appreciative that we finally talked.
I am not saying this is “the” path to self-love. It’s one that feels relevant and practical to me. I have no doubt there are many paths. Whatever your intervention, feeling peaceful, open, and/or loving are great barometers. And hey, if a pedi is what calms your demons down, I bow to you.
I also don’t think I will wake-up tomorrow cured, but I don’t think I will wake up frustrated and harassed by my psyche either … or at least this aspect of it. And if I am, we will sit down and talk it over, again.
May 13, 2012
It’s been a wee bit since I’ve clicked “publish” and I gotta tell ya … taking a break has been divine (I highly recommend completely checking out.) The truth be told, I am not a blogger. I do LOVE to share and communicate, and this blog is an awesome way to do just that, so I will keep … blogging. This and many other realizations have happened since Taft’s departure. Losing someone I care about has brought me to the essence of my life and clarity feels glued to my heart.
Prior to Taft leaving, I’d been trying to name this “thing” I have brewing inside me. A BIG project to bring to women that includes practically everything I know … but I needed a name first and for months I was coming up empty.
I knew that participants would find it super meaningful and healing … like therapy, but it wasn’t therapy. They would also feel a profound clarity and confidence to become their greatest self … like coaching, but it wasn’t coaching. My brow strained as I thought and thought. What’s the name? What’s the name? Coapy? Theroaching? I know, embarrassing. I was that desperate.
After Taft’s funeral, I tended to his mom for a few days. Upon arriving home from the trenches of shock and despair, I laid down a lot. I didn’t nap. I just laid there, unable to move, staring at the ceiling, there was nothing to do. It felt like every cell in my body was waving a white flag. It was eerily peaceful.
During one of these flat-on-my-back moments I realized the power of this stripped down spot and I asked: What’s the name?
“The Goddess Process” instantly appeared in my mind.
Sigh.
(I am quite aware that some of you are thinking “duh.”. That was my next thought.)
Duh.
So there it is. Sometime in 2012 you will hear and maybe dip into the wildly restorative waters of “The Goddess Process” (perhaps even see a new website.). I have an amazing project midwife and we are working hard.
Fabulousness cometh …
April 23, 2012
This post was originally published at LaundryLineDivine.com and is part of the Suzi’s Banks-Baum “Out of The Mouth of Babes” series.
Three weeks ago my 13-year-old nephew was caught in an avalanche while skiing. He hit a tree and died immediately. So while I am usually an upbeat “all things are possible” kind of chick, grief weighs heavy on my being.
As I ponder motherhood and creativity, death and loss cast their shadow and I can’t help but think of Pele, The Fire Goddess who creates the Big Island of Hawaii. She is the spirit of the volcano and all locals revere her power.
Regular tourists know to never take her babies- the beautiful black lava rocks that are abundantly found on the island. Boxes of rocks are returned to the island each year from tourists who have dared to snatch a small souvenir, only to encounter severe strokes of bad luck once back home.
Four years ago, I visited the Big Island with my hubby, baby girl and mother. After going for a hike on the beach, my mom returned with an assortment of shells and … black rocks. “Look at these beautiful black rocks,” she beamed. I immediately told her of Pele’s legend and told her to put them back. “I am not superstitious” she scoffed. “I love the earth and the earth loves me. Pele is happy I have her rocks.”
A few days later we met up with more family and traveled to the actual site of the volcano. One evening I stayed at the hotel with my little one and the rest of the family went to hike the volcano at night, when the land is abundant with the orange glow of lava. A few hours later, I heard cars pull up and in walked my mom … her arm in a cast. She tripped and fell on the lava rock and broke her first bone ever.
Two days later, on our way to the airport, we planned to stop at our original hotel so my mom could return the rocks. Feeling pressed for time, my husband (half jokingly) said to my mom, “Hey Victoria, I’ll slow down and you just throw them out the window.” My mom replied back, “You will stop this car. I will not put them back unceremoniously.” We pulled over, and with a humble apology to Pele she returned the rocks.
Our feminine ability to create life turns us into suicidal killers. We would kill for our baby’s safety and if they cross over before we do, we would want to go with them (though my sister-in-law says she never had that thought … I am not that reasonable.)
Something is always dying so something else can be born. When we become mothers, our youthful freedom dies. When we create new ideas, we kill off outdated ones. When we decide to create, all distractions and deterrents must die. Creativity kills. Death creates. Always.
March 10, 2012
As many of you have already heard, six weeks ago, my thirteen year old nephew died in an avalanche while skiing in Colorado. He hit a tree and died instantly. He was the son of my husband’s sister Louise with whom I am very close. His name was Taft MacKenzie Conlin.
Shortly after the accident and very rattled, I called one of my intuitive friends for some divine counsel. She said that she heard children who died young are really angels who come to earth for a human experience. This picture was given out to all (1200) funeral attendees. It was taken last year and definitely seems to affirm this angel theory. Additionally, he was mighty angelic in his look. Perfect face with huge blue eyes.
His mom and I were on a walk a few days after the funeral, talking about the angel theory and had a small giggle at the fact that Taft was such a little devil. At his funeral his uncle described Taft as ” … equal parts sweetness and mischief. If it burned, blew up, went fast or could be broken, there was Taft, right in the middle, leading the charge- pop guns, potato guns, squirt guns, real guns, you name it.”
I remember the first time I visited Taft’s family in Colorado. Taft was about three and we spent the weekend at his house. Though David’s family is beyond lovely, I was super PMS and pissy. It was a rough weekend and I was eager to return home. Just as we were about to leave, I was putting the last few things in the car. I walked back to the house for one more bag and there stood Taft, pointing a garden hose at me. I stared down at him and growled, “Don’t you dare.” With irreverent glee, he doused me. I was astonished … and drenched.
The last time I saw him was this past Christmas. He played with my five year old daughter and her friend for hours. I listened to non-stop squeals of joy as they wrestled him, chased him and he tossed them in the air.
Equal parts sweetness and mischief.
I am praying (and like, I don’t pray) that his sister, mom and dad are receiving tons of support (and I believe they are.) As many of us might imagine, the emotional pain of losing a child makes the physical pain of childbirth seem like a day at the spa.
I am leveled by Taft’s departure.
March 8, 2012
Dearest Little Goddess,
Being that your mama is all about “returning a fiercely loving feminine legacy” I certainly think about empowering your womanhood … a lot.
Since you are only five “and a half” and thus, have much more pressing matters on your mind, I’ve decided to write to you about some of my big “aha” moments and maybe one day down the road, you will read them (and maybe even dig them.)
There is so much to write, but today I want to simply tell you about motherhood and sisterhood. I was recently interviewed by an amazing woman for her “Maybe Baby” e-course and I adorably start off my interview by saying that motherhood “annihilated” me. Though the people who speak embellishmentese understand what I mean, some amazing folks emailed me desiring elaboration.
First, let me distinguish between you and motherhood.
You were hands down one of the most amazing things to ever arrive into my life. I was blown open with a fierce love when I held you for the first time. Till this day, I watch you in complete wonder. And you were born on the eve of the “pink moon” which in hindsight was the most auspicious wink from the universe of all the wisdom you would bring.
Essentially there was something about being the mother of a young child that felt so off for me. I felt a constant craving I couldn’t put my finger on. For the first year and a half, it was a riddle that teased me at every turn and I wrestled with it, and demanded it reveal itself. It eventually did.
What I finally came to realize was that I was missing a strong female community. Not too long ago and for thousands of years, women raised children together. It’s only in the last century that most modern women shifted into raising their kids with their partners. My DNA was craving the old paradigm.
My situation was an extreme case of how not to do it because I had recently moved to Seattle where I didn’t have deep roots. Couple this with my “I can do it myself”-ness (AKA an inability to receive) and I created a breeding ground of isolation.
Not developing/maintaining strong and supportive female relationships was my biggest “mistake.” When the torrential rains of motherhood hit: sleep deprivation, hormones and the pressure that every modern woman juggles, affirming sisterhood gets you through. It makes the first wildly demanding years of motherhood doable.
SO, what I mean by “annihilated” is that motherhood destroyed my illusion that I was an independent being who could do it all by myself. Realizing this truth has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Today, I could write pages about all that separates women from each other, but I’ll save that for another time. Know that I am on it. Also know that as soon as I realized what I was missing, I did an immediate course correct and have been soaking up sisterly love ever since.
There it is, love. For these reasons, if you should one day choose to become a parent, one of my biggest desires for you is that you feel fueled by the support of a loving female community. Yes, this is true for every aspect of life - when you have a pack of loving women behind you, you can do anything.
Love,
Mom
January 14, 2012
Happy 2012 VOLVER readers!
I hope this email finds you beaming over the most beautiful desire list for 2012. I wrote mine yesterday and I am abuzz from all the amazingness my soul loves.
Since I am constantly reading crazy-cool stuff online, I wanted to salute you into 2012 with some hot links that I feel liberate us to be more of who we truly are.
The magnificent Julie Wray sent out the best post for digesting 2011. A must contemplation.
Elizabeths Gilbert’s TED Talk on creativity is revolutionary (not to mention validating.)
All of my musings on saying “sorry” inspired this courageous gent to write Screw John Wayne: The Art of Apologizing. (Warning: If you are invested in right and wrong thinking, don’t read this article. If you are invested in compassionate relationships and the power of response ability, then definitely check it out.) I have to say that getting right on wrong has made the word “sorry” the biggest win-win in my life.
I believe we are all living this post by Kate Northrup: It’s not going to turn out how you thought. So true. If we would only get out of the way … it’s really going to be better.
Gratitude is Not a Should by The Organic Sister. I was just pondering how gratitude flowed through my heart after a good cry when I found this exquisite post.
I LOVED this Tanya Geisler interview with the always inspiring Danielle LaPorte. One of her best.
It seems my most popular posts this year were An Arsenal of Feminine Power and When Gratitude is Bullshit. However, it turns out my most tweeted article was The Sexual Limits of a Sex Positive World which I spontaneously wrote in 20 minutes after I Googled “sex positive”. I am delighted that it has been a helpful redefinition for so many.
My favorite quotes this year came from Nicole Daedone: “Your desires may not lead to what you want but they will never lead you astray.” Sing it, Nicole. And I have to say that Nicole’s work has had the greatest positive influence on my life in 2011. Thank you, Nicole.
And from Mama Gena: “A woman who owns her [sensuality], owns her life.” (Though you know what she really said.) The truth of this statement makes my head spin with new realities for the world.
Here’s to 2012! May it be filled with true genius, appreciation, sensuality and desires that unfurl better than we ever could imagine.
Love,
Dara
January 2, 2012
Seven years ago I participated in a meditation program and met Alison Anton, a Goddess of healing and integrity.
I’ll never forget the moment I saw stars. During the program’s Q&A Alison stood up and asked the guru about heeding the inner call to greatness. No offense Buddhism, but when the focus is on losing the self and realizing emptiness, Q’s like this one are few and far between. Afterward, I introduced myself to Alison and thanked her for the bold Q. Our friendship instantly took flight.
Alison is a medical intuitive. What’s that? Read on as she brilliantly answers the important stuff below. At the end there is a special offer for VOLVER readers (which I am definitely going to pounce on.) I love the work she is doing and I love even more that she is doing it. Without further ado, it is my great pleasure to bring you Returning with Alison Anton:
What exactly is Medical Intuition?
Medical intuition is using clairvoyance (or other intuitive faculties) to “look” into a person’s energetic and physical anatomy. For some practitioners the purpose is to identify or diagnose medical conditions. I don’t use it for diagnosis, but to help people tap into the underlayment of energy, karma and emotion in relation to their ailments or specific health conditions.
How did you come to find that you had this gift? How did you develop it?
Actually, I don’t see clairvoyance as a gift—it comes with the human body. I think most people use it, but don’t realize they are. I was trained to use my clairvoyance in my mid-twenties, and have been honing that skill ever since. My interest in health and medicine sprang from years of struggling with three auto-immune conditions; I then found myself studying nutrition, food, functional medicine and bodywork to help myself, and to help others who were sick. At one point I realized how valuable it would be if I put functional medicine and intuitive medicine together.
What would you say to someone who is very curious about a session but a little skeptical or afraid?
Fear is pretty normal for people who have never had a reading. Some people are a little scared of what I might say; others might think I’m going to judge them. Truth is, if a reading doesn’t VALIDATE a person in a major way, something’s wrong… (NOT with the person getting the reading, but with the person giving it). In everyone’s life, there are karmic challenges that show up physically as tension, stress and possibly disease. Yet underlying these karmic “hot spots” lay strengths, abilities and spiritual characteristics so remarkable it’s often hard to express in words. How I see it: constricted, charged, tense, sick or fearful areas almost always have the most ability behind them. So unless someone’s afraid of their own abilities or healing themselves (which happens a lot, BTW) there’s not much to be afraid of!
What was the dumbest thing that you used to believe?
I used to believe that I could heal my body by force. I believed that if I ate all the “right” foods, exercised enough, and stopped my “emotional eating” that my body would be well. I basically believed that the body was separate enough from the mind that I could use it like a slave and force it to “behave”. What I didn’t fully realize was that if we don’t work from the mind-level to re-program old patterns, it’s like screaming at a tape recorder and telling it to record. Ironically, I’ve found, that once we’ve healed this level of the mind, the body-related expectations and goals that we thought were so important are (magically) not so important anymore.
How have you learned to handle mistakes and losses?
Of all the things in my life that have helped me develop spiritually, mistakes are IT (and believe me, I’ve made a lot of them). I actually seem to have a certain karma for making mistakes. It’s not about the mistakes, per se, but my REACTIONS to them. It seems I’m learning to become acutely aware of the unconscious programs that well up with my mistakes (i.e. “You’re stupid”, “You don’t belong”, “You’re not perfect”). If I don’t react to them, it’s totally transformative—like being humble and confident at the same time. Likewise, if I DO react to them, I get to look at why I still believe these lies that are in my space. It’s a win-win either way.
I am going to play that word game with you and give you one word and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind: healing.
Healing is a frame of mind, and a way of learning how to perceive the world from spiritual eyes. Healing is learning to see all beings (including ourselves) not just as these bodies, but as remarkable beings capable of… ANYTHING. In my opinion, to be healed has little to do with the body. The body is neutral, and will follow the direction of the mind. So healing always starts at the mind level. How do we want to use these emotions? What purpose do we want for this illness? If we can be flexible and forgiving enough to be in present time with our situation (health, relationships, trials and tribulations) we can truly say we’re healing.
Sigh, now you can see why I have a crush.
If you are struggling with an issue that has mainstream medical practitioners scratching their heads, this could be just the perspective you need. Alison is offering a generous discount to VOLVER readers: 50% Off Medical Intuition Readings (!). Readings must be purchased by December 31,2011 and redeemed by January 31, 2012. Use this special link to score her goodness: http://bit.ly/juROaG
To find out more about Alison’s amazing work, please visit: AntonHealing.com
December 13, 2011
Why VOLVER?
Why would you read my blog, participate in a workshop and spend your valuable time contemplating the feminine mystery? I can only imagine you are hungry for a relevant, affirming and mighty experience of your feminine essence.
VOLVER’s offerings are crafted to encourage emotional integrity, supportive relationships and the ability to wildly meet the wildness of life. Though the personal benefit is tremendous, at the core of VOLVER’s feast is the desire to return a feminine legacy that is rich with the above.
Returning an affirming feminine legacy is VOLVER’s greatest reason for being.
You may have already noticed that the majority of women in the world are without an affirming legacy. This means that our mothers were unable to offer the information that empowers our womanhood. In many cultures like ours, this void has existed for thousands of years and in my adorable opinion, has and continues to cause loads of unnecessary suffering for women and men.
When I close my eyes and imagine this legacy restored, I see a beautiful web that connects all women. It is delicate, requires care and reverence, and is also indestructible. This web has taken some major blows in the last five millennia and despite all the aggression, it still exists today.
You’ve read it here:
WHY: I believe that an affirming feminine legacy is nature’s greatest creative and healing force.
HOW: I stand for and express this belief by inviting readers/participants to contemplate, research and align with the gifts of their feminine essence.
WHAT: This soulful site and my workshops that return women to themselves and best of all … to each other.
Phew. Now that I got that all out, if you would like to participate in the WHAT, so you can experience the HOW and return the WHY, my next “Belonging & The Body” course is Saturday December 10th from 2-6pm and is the last “Belonging and The Body” course until March/April. REGISTRATION ENDS THIS SUNDAY: DECEMBER 4th. To score your spot and to infuse this holiday season AND Seattle winter with your feminine power->Click.
November 28, 2011
Though there are many indomitable forces of woman nature, one of my absolute favorites is beauty. And ugh, before I write more, I need to stop and give beauty a great, big hug. Poor girl. She catches so much crap.
In our culture, beauty is a wildly confusing concept. Mainstream media’s definitions of women make us too skinny, hyper-sexual, with implants and tons of make-up. This caricature is adopted by many young women as the ideal/norm which leads to a pressure filled existence that is vulnerable to self-loathing.
Then, there are the “smart” women who judge media’s caricature as being superficial, dumb and sexualized. Many “smart” women reject the notion of beauty all together and devote their lives to being “practical.” I see this all over Seattle. Mega smart women, head to toe in REI.
No matter how hard many women try, we are thousands of years out (though most likely never) from ever being free of this beauty thing. Prior to the last 50 years, our survival for thousands of years was dependent on being attractive.
As we can clearly see in the many outwardly beautiful women who are miserable, physical beauty only takes us so far. Being attractive is a much deeper phenomenon that is deeply rooted in confidence.
Whether or not you actually “are” beautiful is a subjective hellhole, thus, a complete waste of your time. However, feeling beautiful? Feeling beautiful is a potent goldmine of feminine power that is free from mirrors, media and materialism. It is a radiant, glowing, high vibratory hum of sparkling energy that attracts others.
I believe feeling beautiful depends on three simple things:
1) Affirming sisterhood. Back in the day we relied on the reflection in water and the eyes of other women to know how we looked. Even today, we can stare in the mirror all we want, but when your best girlfriend gives you the once over and says, “You look great!” -> your cells smile. As important as it is to “validate” yourself, we are communal beings that are dependent on the eyes of others.
2) Sensual pleasure. I am not just talking orgasm (though it definitely counts). Did you ever go swimming in the ocean, skin connected to sun and sand as your body undulates with the force of the current. When you come out of the water you are flushed, relaxed, radiating from your connection to the elements. You could have mascara running down your face, but you will FEEL beautiful. This is true for anything that pleasures a woman. Giggles with girlfriends, your favorite food, a beautiful outfit, rollerblading on the boardwalk, dancing, art … you name it. When we are turned on by our true passions, our beauty shines. Happiness is the core of true beauty.
3) Beauty is sacred. Beauty is a spiritual force that inspires our connection to the divine. Women are the ambassadors of this truth and this is reflected in the body of EVERY woman. Despite all the forces that encourage us to think differently, the bottom line truth is that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL (I know, this is difficult news for many.) Take a moment to stop comparing and judging yourself and you will see it … it’s always right there. The softness. The curves. The smile. It’s in the DNA of all women. If you choose to see and celebrate the sacred truth of your beauty, you will naturally adore/adorn yourself as a gesture to the divine. Every morning, I bathe and carefully choose beautiful earrings, maybe a flower for my hair and a little lip gloss. These offerings to the “temple of Dara” ensure that I FEEL beautiful. When I feel beautiful, everyone around me enjoys my buzz … and my beauty.
I look forward to a world that not only teaches women the power of their minds but the sacred power of feeling beautiful. Owning both is the future of feminism.
November 16, 2011
If you are new to this site, I am a huge fan of Orgasmic Meditation (OM).
A few months ago, I passed through Boulder, CO and had the fortune of being invited to observe an OMing demo (yes, I observed a live demonstration of the OMing technique … it was amazing.) The demo was hosted by the beautiful and wise Kelly Notaras. I am ever grateful that my first introduction to the world of OM was with someone so masterful as Kelly.
In 2010, Kelly left her Associate Publisher position with spirituality publisher Sounds True and moved to San Francisco to study slow sex, man-woman dynamics, and communication under Nicole Daedone—the founder of OneTaste and the creator of OM. During her time at OneTaste, Kelly edited Nicole’s book Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, co-led several couples retreats with Nicole, and served as faculty for the 2011 OneTaste Certified Coach Training Program, all while living at 1080 Folsom, a vibrant community of over 50 OM practitioners. Now back in Colorado, she is sharing what she’s learned about this transformative practice through workshops and consulting with men, women and couples.
I am in LOVE with this interview. It is rich with practical gems that illustrate the radical truth of OM. Read carefully, sisters. Kelly has something very important to share.
It is my great pleasure to bring you this Returning Interview with Kelly Notaras:
Please tell us how you found OMing and your involvement with the book?
It started when I accidentally walked into the OneTaste building in San Francisco. I was in California on my way to a meditation retreat and was staying with a friend nearby. I had no idea what OneTaste was, and certainly didn’t know that it had anything to do with sexuality or orgasm. I just liked the building. I remember thinking, “These are my people,” but I had no idea why! A few weeks later I read an article in the New York Times called “The Pleasure Principle.” It featured a center in the SOMA district of San Francisco called OneTaste that was “devoted to the art of the female orgasm.” I about plotzed. I sent the link to all my friends and was like, “Can you believe I walked into this place??” But still, I didn’t have a clue it had anything to do with me. (At the time I didn’t think I was a very sexual person. I was a Buddhist, thank you very much.)
A few weeks later I got a call from a friend of mine who works for a New York literary agency. She said they had a new author who needed some help on her book proposal, and she thought I should do it. I was the VP of Sounds True at the time and the last thing I needed was more work, but when she said it was about Orgasmic Meditation I was like, “You have GOT to be kidding me. I’ll do it.”
So I helped OneTaste’s founder Nicole Daedone with her book proposal and eventually the book itself. (It’s called Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm and it just published in May.) Once I met Nicole in person I realized this wasn’t just a writing gig. I saw something in her that I wanted, and I knew she was going to be very important in my life. A few months after that I went to San Francisco to try OMing, and I got hooked. I decided to move there for a month—and stayed for a year and a half.
How has your life benefited from your OMing practice?
This is such a difficult question to answer without hyperbole. I’ll just say that I woke up one morning about 6 months after I started OMing and realized that I would not change a single thing about my life. This was huge for me, because I had been chronically dissatisfied for the first 33 years on the planet. Something about making a commitment to OM shifted things that my meditation practice never touched. I started to know what my body wanted, and then started following that desire. Where it led was—and continues to be—a rich, connected, effortlessly joyful place.
But in terms of more concrete benefits, I can say I have more energy and vitality, don’t need as much sleep, can feel other people more deeply, have increased intuition, have way less scarcity around relationships, can communicate better, and feel much safer being honest in all areas of my life.
And of course, sex is more sensational. I’m physically much more sensitive now. I’ve also come to appreciate the difference between climax—a momentary release of sexual energy—and orgasm. Orgasm, as I am using it here, is the experience of sensation in the body. It has peaks and valleys and subtle nuances I’d never noticed before. It’s here all the time, to greater or lesser degrees, and it gets drawn out through connection with other people.
How has your experience with OMing influenced how you view spirituality?
Wow, how much time do you have? I would say that when I first encountered Nicole, she pointed out that my spiritual path was all about transcending suffering. I talked about “oneness” but what I really meant was “escape from the stuff that hurts.” I meditated to escape the painful parts of human experience, to work my way into a state of expansive, blissful peace where I became translucent and untouchable. At first I was like, totally! That’s exactly what I want! But then Nicole pointed out that my version of so-called “oneness” honored only half the picture. Life contains both the bitter and the sweet. In her terminology, life is a cycle that includes both “up” and “down,” but I had a raging predisposition for “up.”
That’s one of the deeper spiritual teachings embedded in OM. When you OM, you’re learning how to feel, approve of, and receive whatever “stroke” comes your way. The ones you “like” and the ones you don’t. If you can learn to take pleasure from every stroke life has to offer, you can wake up right in the middle of the relative world. You don’t have to fear anything anymore, because you can trust yourself to be in relationship with whatever circumstances come up. Life becomes a complex, satisfying game where your ability to play is unconditional.
I realized I’d been doing a massive spiritual bypass by pushing away certain experiences I deemed inappropriate, unsavory, painful, or otherwise mundane. I began to reincorporate what you might call the “darker” side of human experience into my everyday life, and watched my overall satisfaction increase almost immediately. OM came in handy in that way. In Western culture, our sexuality is our dark side. Or I should say, our dark side is brimming with sex. Even if we fully own that we enjoy sex (which I never did, by the way) we still keep it hidden away. We do it in the dark and don’t talk about it in polite company. I took a different path with OM. I began openly practicing it at first, then I stepped out and started talking about it publicly. That was a big move—the first time I posted about OM on Facebook! It was a banner day. I still remember where I was sitting. But that, for me, was a spiritual act—because owning your sex is an act of unconditional freedom.
What is the dumbest thing you used to believe?
This one is complex but I’ll try to explain. It was my belief that men didn’t really like me and I had to work to get their attention. Not long after I started OMing I had an experience in a workshop where we had to choose a partner for an exercise. I looked up and realized every man in the room was trying to get my attention—they all wanted me to pick them! In that moment, it’s like a whole belief system fell crashing to the ground. I realized I’d been unaware of the extent of men’s interest in me—probably my whole life. I can only assume it was some sort of coping mechanism I developed in childhood to help manage sexual shame. But whatever the reason, I’d been unwilling to see the amount of interest that was coming my way because it was overwhelming on some level.
In order to maintain my belief that men didn’t like me, I had to create a corollary belief that if a man was interested in me, he was suspect and/or creepy. As a result I mostly dated people who felt safe—either whose power didn’t match my own (so they could never really hurt me) or who literally weren’t interested in me at all. But of course I didn’t see any of this at the time.
If you had the ear of all the women in the world for one minute, what would you want them to know?
That they can live their lives from a state of fullness rather than depletion, and the place to start is by cultivating orgasm in their bodies. I’m not talking about climax, I’m talking about investigating the terrain of their own sexual sensation, whatever that looks like. Sensation is the thing we crave. It’s what we’re looking for when we buy that new pair of shoes or that ice cream sundae or that glass of Prosecco. The place it can be found most readily is in right here in our very own bodies.
Also, I would tell them that men (and other women) exist who are willing to come together and have a goalless orgasmic experience. One that is not about “getting off” and comes with no strings—emotional or sexual—attached. I want every woman to know that and to have access to it, because our lives change when we learn how to receive quality attention from others. To be willing to let someone set aside the time and energy to make us feel good—that one act can change everything.
Can you pull a Tarot card for this interview? What does that card mean to you?
Love it! I pulled the Queen of Pentacles. This is actually my personal “signifier” card, meaning the card that represents me in the deck. This is both because of my astrological sign (Capricorn, an earth sign) and also my physical appearance (dark hair and eyes). The Queen of Pentacles is the essence of earth energy—the queen of the physical and material world. She represents the experience of being a spiritual being in human form. She knows the joy of embodiment. She revels in both the dark and the light aspects of our human experience, because she’s surrounded by nature and the natural world holds both without shame or preference. Of all the Queens in the deck, she’d definitely be the one most likely to OM! In the context of this interview, it says to me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. 
For those of you in Boulder and/or with Boulder peeps, Kelly’s next Intro to OM Workshop is Saturday, November 12th from 9:30-5:30. Click here for details.
Website: www.KellyNotaras.com
Twitter: @kellynotaras
November 1, 2011
